the Devil luring me in.
the Devil luring me in.
This Modern Love
will kill me.
Suppress your feelings
Hide your needs,
FOCUS ON YOURSELF.
This Modern Love
will kill me.
Another game I haven’t learned yet
How to play.
We live in a fantasy land,
You and me,
a place of possibility,
An eager dolphin,
Fervently jumping through
Hours, Days, Months,
Pass me by.
Empowered through weakness.
Cowardice and Fear,
lift you Up.
Mirrors reflected distorted portrayals,
to your Ends.
I gambled on Magic Beans,
bought your Tall Tales
followed bread crumbs Dispersed
in the dark.
Truth finds its way
through your tangle of lies,
motivations, deceptions become
Kernels of truth,
Ingrains lessons to guide me
Trust: once a friend,
Now always a foe,
My mirror, myself,
I see clear.
I’ve only recently come to the realization that I have been a work horse. I’ve been used, as a means to another person’s end. Well, I never liked to ‘play the game’ and I avoid office politics as much as possible. Problem is sometimes a tornado whirls by and you can’t stop it from sucking you in in its wake. Long story short, lots of poor policies, turnover, shifting roles on my team have made me see people in a very different light. I’ve been sort of blind sided and it enrages me and frustrates me but also makes me wonder why I didn’t see it. Was it blissful ignorance, wilful ignorance, or just plain naive ignorance?
My brother takes a completely different standpoint than I do. Having heard all about my situation at work, his analysis finds devious colleagues who sought to impress their good intentions on me, when all the while they were plotting against me. Seen through his eyes, it’s all a big conspiracy. Well, now, I wouldn’t go that far. But there is some merit to what he’s saying.
I often take what people say at face value. I don’t bother thinking about their motivations or why they ask something of me or say something to me, or do something. But in hindsight, when it comes to the work environment, it’s not always prudent to just get your work done. Not when other people aren’t. Not when people you work under know all too well your strong work ethic, your commitment to finishing things on time, your low self-esteem that keeps you from pushing your way to where you should/could/might want to be. Not when they know things about you that make all too easy to manipulate you.
I still don’t care for office politics, I still don’t want to be out to get people, and I refuse to operate that way. But now I need to be more aware of my surroundings and look out for myself. Only recently when it all became so obvious and I finally started to open my eyes did I begin to understand what was really going on. I caught people in obvious lies when before I wouldn’t have questioned them. I have been thrown under the bus, when push finally came to shove.
My brother always told me ‘if you don’t have your own plan, you’ll become part of someone else’s’. I don’t think I ever really understood what he meant until now. It’s true. If I don’t have my own goals, vision for my future, motivations, aspirations–any of that–then I will just become an easy building block for someone to acquire, to use to build his or her own future.
I’m learning it’s okay to be selfish and self-interested. These are not inherently bad traits. If you’re working in an environment that operates in a competitive, dog eat dog fashion well, then you should be self-interested. You should be self-interested or you’ll succumb to the interests of other people. The only other alternatives are changing the game–which I won’t even entertain in my case. Some organizations you can’t change, you have to either accept it and play the game, or chose the alternative: bow out, and find somewhere else to work.
I’ve opted for the latter. I know, office politics exist everywhere, and there are some things we just can’t get around or escape. But I have my own limits and my own boundaries and now I have my own plan too. I know I want new challenges, I want to move on, and I want to be somewhere where I am valued and respected as an employee and a person.
I think I’m finally starting to find myself. Really find myself. I was scared for a long time. For some reason I felt like there was something wrong with me. And I can guess where it stems from but it’s not really relevant to me anymore. It doesn’t determine me.
It might sound trivial but it means a lot and makes a big difference, to me. It’s the difference between feeling completely hopeless, and feeling in control. I’ve learned to understand myself better, to try to see the many different sides of things, reasons and causes and motivations.
I used to think too linearly. Now I see we are all very complex people, living in a very complex world. So instead of thinking in black and white terms, instead of drawing conclusions and making assumptions, I take a step back and try to think, what are the possibilities here? What could be someone’s motivation in this instance? And if those are the motivations, what does that mean?
Sometimes my thoughts can get away from me and I can make assumptions about myself or others that are not in line with ‘reality’ whatever that may be. I’ve learned to control my thoughts and emotions better. To be aware of where my thoughts take me, the conclusions I’m drawing, and the negative thinking that I often automatically engage in.
It might seem like a small thing, but it’s empowering, and ultimately for me, life changing. It’s a work in progress and we learn and grow every day but now I’m seeing the beauty of it. Now I’m not as afraid to try something new or to be in a situation that might make me uncomfortable. Baby steps. But being uncomfortable doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with me, or that I can’t overcome this hurdle, and be comfortable in that situation or a similar one.
A lot of our world is mediated through our thoughts. I’m learning to acknowledge mine, and consider the possible alternatives. I’m more aware of any negative self-thoughts or ruminative thoughts, and I feel like I’m finally starting to feel in control of my own life.
I’ve felt the panic and anxiety of revolving around someone else’s life. Now I’m beginning to revolve around myself, and not out of loneliness or solitude, but out of strength, and it feels great.
Work day is done,
I’m home, alone
another day, salvaged hours
These are the hours that trickle
through the hourglass define me
slowly melting as I die
a little further