Return

It’s been so long since I’ve written here I actually forgot the name of my blog and had to search through my emails and spend some time figuring out how to access this and log in. That’s not something I feel great about. But writing is always something I return to at some point in my life, whether it’s online or in a notebook or journal, it will always be a part of my life. I’ve known that for some time, but this is one of those reminders.

So, after almost two years away, this might be my start back into writing poems and potentially random thoughts on here again.

I think I’ve grown a lot in the past little bit. Certainly a lot has changed. I’ve started to understand myself better and to really recognize the reality of my mental health and the impact that trauma can have on a person. Writing is a great outlet for me. I hope to one day write a book that will help me release all of these things inside me and all of the things I’ve learned along the way. Sometimes I feel like the only real value in suffering is to help others, and to try to understand yourself, or find a way to make something good come out of it. Otherwise it all feels like a waste.

minuscule morsel

source: commons.wikimedia.org

Rain clouds,

the gods of my life

controlling my fate

Gloomy grey days

abound

need a break,

a sliver of sunshine

a ray

a minuscule morsel

of hope to hold on to

to breathe for.

occupy

source: http://www.pinterest.com

Boisterous men occupy

SPACE while

little ladies

sit daintily

awaiting

a chance

to speak.

summer nights

source: http://www.boomsbeat.com

Breezy summers night,

warm air,

childhood smiles rekindled

carefree love.

 

Nostalgia weakens me,

transports me–

Simpler days.

 

We played outdoors,

unknowingly,

an innocent facade

to a Lonely Desperate backdrop:

unraveling,

a storm:

brewing,

a lifetime

left unknown

for years to come.

baby girl

source: 1000awesomethings.com

baby girl,

what can I tell you

of a world

I’ll want to protect you

from.

Your baby giggles warm my heart

and I wish they’d never stop

but I know truths lie ahead

slowly revealed

realities can’t be concealed

forever.

Progress happens slowly,

we’ve moved on,

but I need you to be strong

to know your worth

when you become

a woman,

in a world not always kind

to everyone,

not open or diverse,

small victories intersperse

with entrenched norms.

Never lose your carefree smile,

though it may wax and wane,

don’t ever let it fade,

always remember how much

you are loved.

keeper

Source: dervisek.deviantart.com

I’m a keeper of secrets,

they eat me inside,

truths untold,

Not a real lie just a

blatant omission

a brick wall trying to keep out

the conflicts boiling within you,

unknowingly between you,

unseen, by your eyes,

unheard in your mind

but screaming in mine

to be silenced, for your sake

for a false peace

that families

foster and flourish

to calm waves,

a still lake so benign

nothing shows beneath

reflections on water.

 

Tell me

Source: editor02.deviantart.com

I need to read more
I need a book to tell
me, explain to me
Who I am,
How do I feel and why.

Always at a loss, an
Immigrant a difficult
Childhood the things
We don’t talk about–
Our lives, just disappear,
Blend in, into the background
Don’t stand out,
You’re weird, different and strange,
You’re poor,
You’ll say the wrong things,
Expose yourself just hide
And now I need a book to
tell me, who am I
and why.

Explain

Source: apg612.wordpress.com

If I could utter words
I’d scream from my core
I’d cry until I gasped–
I’d explain
Or try to articulate
the pain.

But it’s useless now I
Can’t translate a decade
of loss into words,
Comprehensible,
Can’t find a way back
from an unknown place,
Just loss and the
sea I find myself in,
Inevitably, inescapably,
Alone.

Longing

Source: http://www.trekearth.com

Wish I could be a child
again so Need would
be okay–
Someone to care for me,
Tenderly,
Genuinely,
Compassionately

Not aged desperation,
Loneliness,
failure,
Solitude,
Longing, for Loss,
left alone.

Distant memories

Family, a loaded gun
I nuzzle up to.
Desperation makes me weak,
But mostly I keep up my
Defenses.

We dissolved into duties and
Obligations, shadows of love
Or care or genuine relations.

I see myself, an anchor, a
Noose, a chain dragging
You down, putting you out.

I hate myself too much
to see any other way,
to think you care
for me and for real
not out of distant
memories.