Advice | Unlearning the Fear

Today is a bad day, though I fear it’s really been a bad week, or two. I’m not sure what’s going on and I guess that’s part of the problem. Maybe because I have a cold I’m spending too much time alone and it’s making me think too much. Analyzing your life when you feel crappy is never a good idea. Analyzing your relationship when you feel crappy? Even worse.

I feel like I’m becoming the needy girlfriend and it makes me angry. This isn’t me. I’ve been living alone quite happily for a couple of years now. Dating on and off but nothing serious. Now that I really like someone, it’s messing me up. I was happy before and now I feel really unhappy. Why? Because I have certain expectations now that I didn’t have when I was single and alone and happy? I don’t know but it’s really been bothering me.

My eyes are swollen from crying. I don’t know how I got here. I felt better about this relationship when my heart wasn’t really in it, when I didn’t really care about him, when I wasn’t even sure if I liked him or not. Now I know I do, but I don’t know how he feels. He’s fine with seeing me on weekends, texting me, making random plans in between. I’m ready to feel like I have a boyfriend, I’m in a relationship with someone who is there for me, not as an idea in my mind or a companion on weekends, but really there for me.

I’ve decided to wait and see. Part of the problem is my past experience comes flying back at me to taunt me, to say–well, looks like you’re heading down the same road again, chasing a man who’s more interested in his career than he is in you. You’ll never be happy with him, you’ll never be satisfied with the meager scraps of time and attention he’ll throw your way.

But that’s not really the case. He’s not really like that. At least I don’t think so, I think I still need to give him the benefit of the doubt to figure him out before I make a final decision. It’s just that the past overshadows the present sometimes and my experience fits itself over my current situation and skews it, transforms it, destroys it.

I have to keep reminding myself of who I am and what I enjoy and who I have in my life. My family, my great friends, my pets, a stable job, a passion for writing I’m pursuing….There are things I love about my life. Somehow though, a tornado comes and wrecks it all. My thoughts destroy everything. I feel worthless and afraid. The more I feel this way the more I panic, and want to hide, and feel depressed. I start to hate myself and feel like there’s nothing worthwhile in me, or my life. Then my hope disappears and I’m left with nothing. When your hope for the future is gone, that’s a really dangerous place to find yourself.