Date | Unlearning the Fear

I’m having a bad night. These are the times I dread. I’m sucked into a sadness I can’t control, can’t overcome. At least I’ve learned to ride it out. Now it doesn’t consume me wholeheartedly. It borrows me for a while, but I know it will pass, eventually. I’m sad. I’m bothered by something and the way it goes with thoughts is this: one small negative thought leads you down a slippery slope to despair. Well this what it is. I started seeing someone a little over a month ago. We’ve been seeing each other pretty often, lately he’s been a bit busy. We didn’t see each other much this weekend and when I texted him this afternoon I didn’t get a response back until four hours later.

So I’m a little bit annoyed and upset. But I know, I’m not entitled to these feelings yet, I can’t own them. We haven’t been dating long enough for me to form any expectations or be entitled to anything. I will bite my tongue. And here’s where it all goes to hell: this is what it always feels like–an exercise in holding my tongue.

We just started dating, we’ve only been dating for ‘x’ amount of time, we’re not married ETC ETC ETC ad nauseam. When do I get to own my feelings, when am I entitled to have certain desires or expectations for myself, my life and my future? It’s frustrating. I sometimes just feel like giving up, it feels hopeless when every situation seems to end the same way. In some sort of heartbreak, in loss. We’re still at the stage where we’re on our best behaviour and it was fun right up until now. Right up until I saw the other side: I can’t be honest. Can’t be honest with how I feel, because it doesn’t feel right, I’m not entitled to anything yet. Maybe later it will be okay to expect more of your time, but not yet.

Problem is, I’m really tired of navigating this wishy washy zone of dating people who are (and being a person who is) very accustomed to living alone. You’re used to it. You’ve had years of experience and practice. You’re the King/Queen up on your throne dictating your experiences, parsing your time as you please, and giving your attention here and there as you wish. But what happens when someone comes into your life? What happens when you move beyond dating and consider the next step? It’s like two synchronized swimmers with different routines suddenly thrown together in a pool. You can’t each march to your own drum but you’re so used to doing what you’re doing, it’s tough. You want to own your life and bring experiences and people into it as you please, but Individualism is also slowly unravelling your life. It’s taking away some of the things you so desire.

Well that turned into a drawn-out rant but as always writing seems to help. If anyone has advice on these matters, or any experiences about dating when you/your partner is pretty used to living alone, I’d love to hear it. Right now I’m just trying to get over (without simply suppressing) all the things I’m feeling. Sometimes I just wish I didn’t want the things I want.