On Friendship and Ageing and Being Single

Source: chaseandbeenchased.wordpress.com

Well, I’ve come to realize a sad reality lately. My worth as a friend seems to have deteriorated for one simple reason: I’m single. Now, I’m not looking to find fault or lay blame, I’m merely observing what has come to be the norm for me, as a single person surrounded by coupled friends.

Making plans is difficult, because they need to check with their significant other, and see if he/she has plans that day. It would be easier if I had a partner, and their partner could also join. This always puts me second, behind their partner. In some ways I get it and in others I wish things could be different, that we could still  maintain our own friendship despite the fact that they are coupled and I’m not.

Confirming plans is harder. There’s no need to let me know in advance if they’re coming or not, or to block off that weekend to spend time together. They assume I will have nothing to do. They will assume they can string me along and let me know last minute. If their plans fall through then certainly we can hang out. If not, that’s too bad, but either way I will probably not be doing anything anyways so I can wait for an answer right?

Well. This is turning out to be far more bitter than I imagined. I guess the more I think about it the more I find the whole thing so offensive. I understand it in some ways and in other ways it feels so disrespectful. Why do friendships have to change as we age? Well, as people form bonds and families, priorities shift and being single makes you quite the pariah. It makes you an outcast.

Even if you’ve come to terms with being single, if you’re  content with your life and if you desire a relationship but don’t center your life on finding one, well you’re out of luck. You’re out of luck because you just don’t fit in anymore, you just can’t be part of the gang anymore. You stand out. You’re a wheel. No one can relate to you and your online dating woes. No one can relate to your tales, your experiences, where you’re at in your life. They’re not there, they’ve moved on, and they think what you need is to catch up.

Romance

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New budding romance,

Excitement and fear,

Slowly disentangling.

I thought it was me–

Some sort of malfunction

But I see now,

The truth.

When the pieces don’t fit

It breaks you,

Catapults you,

Into darkness:

A land of Scary Thoughts,

Uncontrolled,

Shredding away at your insides,

Destroying your worth.

But sometimes by chance

You meet someone

Who reverses it all:

Who sees the light in you,

And shines it back.

Enemies II

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She walked in hesitating,

Briefly turning on her heels,

Escape.

Friendships with females kill me.

True friends I’ve grown up with,

Love dearly, understand.

But others, only use me as a stick,

To measure their worth, to overcome,

To try to bury.

You met my boyfriend for the first time,

I was glad–

Sharing friendships,

Joining dots of happiness,

Anticipated moments of glee.

But instead of being a friend

You were the worst kind of enemy

I could ask for.

Flirting, teasing, touching, making comments

That drew awkward glances and silences your way.

Friends like these,

Enemies in the shadows,

Awaiting prey.

 

 

Enemies

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Lately it seems,

Enemies abound.

I try my hardest to be sweet,

I was raised this way,

To be good.

How is it then that animosity

Seems to follow me,

More surely than my shadow?

I’ve learned a toxic friendship

Brings you down,

The furthest depths you can reach.

I will cut you out if I have to.

The ashes of a friendship

All that remain,

Relics of some past,

Perhaps imagined,

Now desperately

Desiring to forget.

Happy Today

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Today I’m feeling happy,

It’s rare but joyous,

I’m cherishing each second

That it lasts.

I love you.

All the great people in my life,

Who truly care.

You’re amazing.

Friends I’ve known for years,

Who understand my heartaches and my tears,

Who laugh with me, who share the absurdity of life

Who carry me through.

I don’t say it enough,

I hope you know–

I love you and you mean the world

To me,

You help me grow, keep me grounded, keep me sane.

Switching Gears

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Today I want to switch gears, to write about happiness and gratitude rather than simply bearing my soul and trying to overcome difficult emotions.

Having recently ended a toxic friendship, I’m realizing more and more how amazing the people in my life are. I have great friends, who have known me for over a decade. They are so much fun to be with, we are there for each other, and we understand each other in a way that only friends can, having grown up together.

So today I’m grateful for true and enduring friendships. For people who become family, who make you feel warm, supported, and not alone on this vast planet.

I’m also grateful for my family, my pets, and the friendships I’ve made in recent years.

Life is short and it’s good to take some time to breathe, and find peace. For me, that’s deflecting the negative and focusing on the positive. It’s too easy to get sucked into negative situations and emotions. It’s always good to take some time, find some space, and relish the pleasant moments.

I want to be a good person and a good friend, sister, and soon to be aunt. I want to nurture and cherish that which I value the most–my relationships with others. I’m not perfect and I don’t expect perfection from others. Some situations are difficult and painful–breaking up with a friend, having your sister stop talking to you and your brother. It hurts and I’d be lying if it said I didn’t think about it, didn’t try to push it out of my mind. But there are also so many good, positive relationships in my life.

Sometimes the negative can seem more powerful and consuming than the positive–but with awareness and active effort, I can let go of the negative emotions and instead focus my energy on the good. Focus on gratitude rather than sorrow or regret.

 

Friendship Break-up Part Two: The Conclusion

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A few days ago I posted about a recent friendship break up. I decided to end a toxic friendship, one in which I was always at the mercy of someone else’s needs and desires. Well, I tried to let it go peacefully and just die naturally but everything came to a head. And sometimes, it’s exactly this type of confrontation that simply serves to confirm your instincts and your desire to cut someone out.

Well, after effectively bailing on a trip, our gym routine, and Saturday night plans all in one week, my friend emailed me a couple of weeks later as though nothing happened. It was a ‘hey, haven’t talked to you in a while!’ that might as well have been a cold hard slap in the face. It was insulting to me that she thought she could just pick up where she left off as though nothing had happened. She was asking about a party I was planning and if it was still on. I responded to let her know she shouldn’t feel obligated to come, and that I couldn’t just pretend nothing happened between us.

Anyways, we had a couple of email back and forths and I decided to be completely honest with her. I told her how I felt–that she always put herself and her needs before me, and that I always had to bend over backwards to try to make her feel okay. I gave examples. And what did she do? Well, rather than acknowledge or address anything that I said, she simply stated: ‘no matter what I do or say you don’t trust this relationship. That’s your internal battle. I hope you find peace’. Something to that effect. Like a self-help guru asshole. It’s funny, when you get to know someone really well, you learn their insecurities and how to push their buttons. It was a low-blow. She tried to lay the blame on my insecurities, which have nothing to do with her or her behaviour. It was beyond infuriating.

To add insult to injury, she started an immature, passive aggressive Facebook campaign. Suddenly, all her posts were stupid sayings like ‘instead of giving someone a piece of your mind, give them a bit of your heart’. And ‘your perception of me, is a reflection of you; my response to you is an awareness of me’. That was the last straw. I unfriended her and haven’t looked back. I can’t stand this immature ridiculous attitude. I’m too old for this bs. To try to send me messages in such a pathetic and cowardly way is just too low for me.

It’s never easy cutting someone out. It’s not fun and it sucks. The funny thing with her is, I don’t feel like I miss her at all. If anything, I feel relieved. Relieved that I no longer have to bow down to her every whim, or struggle to set boundaries and have my own needs met. I just want some time to pass for this fresh wound to heal though. We have a lot of people in common so I just need the dust to settle on the situation.

But I’m ready to move on.

 

Ebb and Flow

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Families, friends, lovers–

Relations,

No guarantees

Just ebb and flow.

 

Connecting with effort,

Cutting ties,

Breaking loose.

 

A scale measuring your worth,

Calculate–

Cost-benefit analysis

Who comes out on top?

 

Chasing shadows never satisfies

A heart.

Act

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I’m afraid of my inbox today.

Awaiting your words

Like tiny daggers aimed

Toward a brightly-coloured bulls eye

On my heart.

 

Back and forth

Like Ping-Pong,

Only violent.

 

Pointing fingers never answered

Any questions.

Sometimes you know enough

To cut the cord,

Turn down the lights,

Acknowledge and respect:

This act is done.

 

Friendship Break-up

Source: http://www.20-something.ca

Last night I broke-up with a friend. It was rough. I find it hard to balance that fine line sometimes. I’m not good at creating boundaries so I flounder–from all to nothing.

Well, that’s what happened here. It has happened before, I’ve had to take a few steps back from her, but this time I think it’s different. This time might be for good.

Part of me feels guilty and part of me feels absolute relief. We weren’t really that good for each other. I nurtured her wounds, she laid her needs upon me and I went to work. There’s no denying she was a really good friend. She was there for me, I was there for her. I don’t want to say that I outgrew her because I didn’t. I may have just regressed into a state of neediness and desire–wanting a close friendship that like all good things seems to inevitably come to an end.

I’m still very confused about it and trying to sort myself out by writing. There’s a part of me that hates myself. There’s a part of me that hears my sister’s voice calling me selfish, self-centred. There’s a part of me that hears the conviction in her voice and makes me wonder–is she right? Am I selfish? Is this friendship break-up just another example of my self-centered narcissism? Or am I just standing up for myself?

I don’t know. The truth is I’m a liar. I’m a liar because I’m so easily swayed by other people’s needs. I’ll be who you want me to be–I’ll be back in high school with you, getting all dolled up to go to a club. I’ll be man-hating with you when you find out your ex cheated on you. I’ll cry with you when you’re touched by a moment of joy. I’ll drink with you when you need to drown your sorrows. I’ll be who you want me to be, until I can’t take it anymore. Until a little voice inside  me screams out loud.

Well, now I’m left with the remnants of this friendship, to sort through the ashes of what was and try to make some sense of it. You probably hate me. You probably tell yourself you saw this coming all along–you saw me starting to date someone and put him before you. Well that’s not true at all. What you saw was a hint of interest on my part and what I saw was the green-eyed monster materialize in your soul.

So what does that say about us? I don’t know. I can hear you now, telling your tale of sorrow to your friends, your mom, anyone who will listen. Demonize me if you please. It’s okay. I should have seen this coming. The seeds of friendship were borne out of your extreme need and dependency. I should’ve known, as soon as the tide seems to be shifting, you would turn. You would find someone else to cling to, someone else to nurse your needs, lick your wounds, and make you feel okay.

If it makes you feel any  better, I do hate myself. I hate myself for a lot of reasons. For letting you in the way I did. For getting so close to you, allowing this mutual dependency to flourish. For feeling as though I was somehow responsible for your happiness. For bowing down to your whims and desires.

Well, the first sign of a revolt and you disappear. So perhaps I shouldn’t call this a friendship break-up. Perhaps I should call it what it is: your need moving on to another. Dependency weakening, waning, shifting. I have no regrets and I hope you don’t either. Live and learn, that’s all you can do.