Job satisfaction | Unlearning the Fear

Oh man. I just posted a video on Facebook about a shoplifting husky, then had an existential moment of wondering what my life has come to. These days are the hardest to get through: boredom, no social contact–it’s a potent combination that leads down a slippery slope. Before you know it you’re questioning your life and how you got here. You’re also chastising yourself for not fulfilling your potential. You were always the top of your class and then somehow fear took over. Sometimes I try to envision the working world as a classroom, to try to boost my confidence. It never works.

I’m not sure exactly what my problem is. It’s a vague sense of fear–perhaps of change, of being too antisocial, not assertive or smart or competent enough. I don’t know. All I can fall back on to boost my confidence is my academic career. And these days it doesn’t help much.

I need to be in a better place at this age and stage in my life. These long drawn out days that feel as though there’s 48 hours packed into a work day really kill my soul. They take over the rest of my world. It’s not enough to feel as though I had a difficult day at work–it’s takes me back to square one and has me questioning how I got here in the first place.

As enjoyable as watching an adorable husky walk into a dollar store and steal treats is, this isn’t what I thought I’d be doing with my life. And here’s the old conflation–I am not defined by my work. My work is not my sense of self, or my main priority in life. At the same time, it is many hours of my life and I want it to mean something, if simply to myself.

I guess I should start hunting again, but I think that’s not really the first step. The first step is this: realizing my value, worth, strengths, and intelligence. Just because I work a menial and often tedious job, doesn’t mean this is what I was meant to do, or what I am capable of doing. What I’m capable of goes so much further, but I’ve stopped pushing and testing those limits. I’ve allowed myself to fall back on familiarity and routine and I think it’s time I seek some challenge and change instead.

When I interviewed for my first job out of university I met a woman who had been working there for decades. It was her first job out of university, and one she intended to stay in while looking for other work. It was supposed to be her foot in the door. Funny thing is, sometimes we just get too comfortable.