August 6, 2014 by hollietuxlil

Rescue

Source: firstchurchwisdom.wordpress.com

I’d rescue you if I could,

Pull you out of sorrow,

Depression so deep

I’ve understood it,

felt it,

battled it,

never quite succumb

never overcome the

war,

just battles fought

repeatedly,

restlessly,

my own.

Strangers in an unseen world,

we just met.

I can’t pull you out,

can’t form a bond with a drowning man,

not while I’m swimming and thrashing

alongside you.

July 3, 2014 by hollietuxlil

Online dating = frustration

Source: http://www.mylifeonmatchandmore.com

Online dating is seriously warping my mind. Seems like there’s no better way to hate humanity than to ride the TTC or try online dating. We all start out innocently and unassumingly enough, but meet or interact with enough people and you’ll see–you’ll start to think there’s really something wrong with people. Most people.

Makes you lose hope in some future you imagined for yourself. My imagination never took me so far as to allow clear glimpses into true desires. Just little baby steps towards things I know I want but am too afraid to claim, or to admit.

Where are all the nice people? Where are all the people who somehow share some sort of past, can truly understand each other in some generational/collective childhood memories sort of way?

Well, it seems I overestimated how far we’ve come. So many men out there still feel entitled to be assholes if you reject them, still seem determined to call you sexy or tell you that you’re hot, still seem to have fallen into a very sad facade created by the powers that be. The ideal man does not treat you like a piece of meat, or property or a possession.

I like to think of myself as open minded and I make an effort to be unbiased. I know, for all the negative things I have to say about men, there are counterparts for women. That’s not my point, and my aim is not to point fingers or dismiss an entire sex. I just don’t know why I seem to keep running into the same type of man, who I truly can’t respect.

There are many men out there who are good men. I am fortunate enough to know a good number of these men, to be friends with them, and to be related to them. But somehow online it seems these men are hidden somewhere, it seems they are rare gems, the exception not the rule. I don’t know what distinguishes these men–the role models they’ve had, the way they grew up, how much they’ve internalized social and media ideals, etc. etc. All I know is, I’m getting really tired of finding exactly what I’m not looking for, over and over again.

July 2, 2014 by hollietuxlil

Piece

Source: http://www.seriouspuzzles.com

You’re looking for

The One–

the elusive Match

to fill that little

gap between work,

life, and the distractions

you’ve amassed,

activities you’ve carved out

for yourself.

Time passes–

the sliver slowly diminishes

until a puzzle piece

can never fit.

June 26, 2014 by hollietuxlil

I Know F*&# All

Source: elsbethvaino.com

All my musings and analyses, my experiences and recounted tales, my thirty-one years on this earth and a good long while of dating, and online dating have led me to this conclusion, profound as it is: I know f$#% all.

I’ve written about the dates I’ve been on, what I’ve learned about online dating, what I can’t stand in men, how it feels like for me to be doing the online dating thing. I’ve written about exes (in hypothetical terms of course) I’ve expressed myself through poetry, I’ve spent some time thinking about all these things, and still, I know f*&@ all.

I have no idea what I’m looking for in a relationship partner. I finally realized that I’ve been waiting for things to just ‘click’ and for me to ‘know’ or ‘feel it’ or ‘sense it’. Everyone says when you find that person, you’ll know. Well, I haven’t felt myself magically transformed or enlightened. Come to think of it, I never have had one of these so called moments where you just ‘know’ or ‘sense something’ like a rabid dog. Well, after all this, I’m starting to think these moments don’t really exist, at least not for most of us.

Which brings me back to my current dilemma. My friend has some good insight into my behaviour and asking her for advice is always eye opening. She said it seems like I’ve been going on a lot of dates hoping and wishing that they will be great, but, do I even know how I want them to be great?

Well, I thought signing up for eharmony was enough to give me some direction. I want someone who’s honest and trustworthy and kind and considerate and…..hmmm that sounds like a lot of people. Or maybe not depending on where you live and who you know but my point is that these are not light bulb moments for me, or traits that necessarily distinguish one man from another–they’re just not that discriminating. Lots of women search for these qualities in their partners, and contrary to popular belief, lots of men possess these qualities. So where does that leave me?

Checklists are impossible and not at all useful, whereas values seem too ‘airy fairy’ as a friend would say, and not discriminating enough.

So, what I’m left with is the admission that I have no idea what it is I am looking for in a relationship partner. All I know is, I better ‘sense it’ or ‘feel it’ or ‘JUST KNOW’ when it happens, because right now, I really have no clue.

June 25, 2014 by hollietuxlil

My own Hypocrisy

Source: haikumages.com

I was nearly ensnared by my own hypocrisy, by the double standards I had unconsciously absorbed and unintentionally supported.

I met someone online. Typically I like to meet someone in person after a few exchanges. I’d rather meet and see if we’re compatible or not, rather than create an image in my mind of who this person is and what he’s like based on emails and texts.

That’s the typical route, but there was a period there after I fell off my bike where I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t meet up after several exchanges because I landed on my face and looked like I lost a bad fight. For this reason, I met someone virtually and ended up exchanging messages with him over the course of at least three weeks.

We texted each other frequently, asking how the day went, what we were up to, if we had siblings etc. etc. until we had a general sense of who we were on paper and what we liked to do in our spare time.

I came to like him and enjoy these little chats and check-ins. I also became pretty nervous before our first date. I don’t usually get nervous before a first date, but this time I felt some pressure. I really wanted to like him. I liked him on paper, in text and email form, and now the final test was the face to face and I really wanted to like him.

There’s a lot you can’t tell about a person via online messaging or texting. You can’t get a sense of who they are, you can’t pick up on the little things that form that ‘gut feeling’ you have about a person, or whether there’s chemistry or attraction or good conversation. No matter how much you like someone online, the litmus test is always the face to face meeting.

So, we had plans to meet and there it was, the day of reckoning. Okay I’m being pretty dramatic but those of us who’ve experienced the world of online dating know it’s like finding a needle in a haystack when you actually connect or click with someone.

Our first date was at a pub. We chatted and the conversation was engaging and interesting. He seemed really nice, and smart, and made me laugh. He seemed like a kind person who was considerate and thoughtful. He’d also traveled a great deal and read a lot and was ambitious in pursuing the things he was interested in. He seemed pretty great.

He wasn’t how I expected him to be though. The nights we texted and he mentioned drinking red wine while playing his guitar, the random facts I’d gathered from messaging here and there all came together in my mind to form a different picture. I pictured him as more of a lone wolf/strong silent type. He turned out to be a super sweet guy without that hint of a rough edge I thought I had detected.

We went on a second date and it confirmed to me that he’s a very sweet and considerate guy. I was telling him about my knee and how it recently started hurting a lot and he asked me if it was inflamed. He reached towards my knees and before actually touching me he asked if I minded. Compare that to the guy who, on our first date had his hand on the back of my neck as we walked, or around my waist.

He’s just so respectful, and kind and considerate. For some reason though, on our first date, I thought of these as negative qualities. Not so much the respectful part–just that he seemed a bit shy and nervous and maybe somewhat introverted. Which is actually what I am–I’m pretty introverted, and sometimes shy/nervous depending on the situation (I’m more likely to get nervous for a job interview than a first date, but some people are the opposite).

After our first date I told a friend about it. I told her I had a great time and he seemed like a super nice guy but he was also kind of shy-ish.

Well, I’ve been thinking about all this and I realize now that I have internalized certain double standards about men that I really just need to discard.

I can’t stand chauvinism, or overconfidence, or machismo tendencies in a guy. At the same time, when I meet someone who seems like a great person, but doesn’t exhibit any of these qualities, I seem to qualify our good first date with a ‘…but he’s kind of shy’.

I can’t stand male bravado, or arrogance, or a guy who thinks that men and women should abide by traditional gender roles–that stuff is not for me. At the same time, I can’t seem to picture this other male. I can’t seem to picture the type of guy who is respectful and considerate and is still considered a ‘man’ by society’s standards. Definitions of ‘maleness’ and ‘femaleness’ are bending, but they’re still not as flexible as they should be, as they could be to actually accommodate the diversity that exists in life.

I guess this really made me feel for men. Women have a lot of norms and expectations to deal with, and as a woman I understand and know them from experience. For men though, I’m starting to see how social norms and definitions of what it means to be a man can also be restrictive.

Take this guy I went on these dates with. He’s really sweet and considerate and has been really respectful of me as a person, rather than seeing me as a conquest and calculating his moves. These are really good qualities, and they make him more attractive to me, despite my initial instinct of seeing him as somehow less secure, or confident.

At the same time, some women might wonder about a guy if it takes him time to ‘make a move’. We all have expectations of how people should behave in relationships, and whether or not we’re consciously aware of them, they affect how we behave.

Similarly, another man in his shoes might have felt pressure to make a move, to not be awkward or seem nervous, to do the things that men are ‘supposed to do’ in order to impress a girl and keep her interest.

It’s weird to me because I always thought of myself as very self-aware, open minded, and very strongly opinionated when it comes to equality, and gender issues.

This time though, I caught myself falling into the trap of criticizing all the things I can’t stand about a certain type of male, without realizing my own inability to acknowledge, appreciate, and cherish the array of alternatives that fall outside of socially constructed norms.

I think this is also part of online dating–you cobble together pieces of a puzzle and try to form a whole, a whole that is always some sort of ‘type’ of person.

Well, if there’s a way to stop seeing categories, types, labels, and even genders, I’m striving toward it. I need to be able to see someone for who he is–to learn about him and get to know him as a person, without making assumptions, imposing social norms, comparing to socially constructed ideals.

The more we can strip away ideals, expectations, norms we have internalized without consciously examining, the better off we’ll be.

June 23, 2014 by hollietuxlil

Egos and Honesty

Source: cupidblogger.com

On Friday I had a first date with someone. Let’s call him B. Well. He seemed like a nice enough guy via online messaging. We chatted on the phone. Again, seemed like a perfectly nice person, and the conversation wasn’t awkward at all. Still though, something in me told me that we wouldn’t be a match, that we weren’t compatible.

Sometimes it’s the subtle things you pick up on, sometimes not even consciously, that give it away. This is what I’ve learned–to trust my instincts. Even when I can’t seem to verbalize exactly what it is, my instincts are usually dead on.

Well, in this case there were little things. I wasn’t able to meet up with him for a while because I fell off my bike and was recovering (most of my injuries were to my face :/). He said that was fine with him, as long as I did meet up within the next week. This didn’t sit well with me. I hadn’t even met this person and he was already imposing conditions?

Another thing was language. I am one of those people who finds poor grammar to be annoying. When I read someone’s profile and the entire thing is very poorly written, it’s a turn off for me.

The same goes for talking to someone on the phone. The way they speak can be a good indication for me of whether or not I’ll like them.

Anyway, long story short I did end up meeting with him, though I wasn’t excited about it at all. That was another thing I should have listened to: the fact that I wasn’t looking forward to this date at all, and that I felt, more than anything, obligated to keep my word about meeting up.

Well, I met up with him on Friday and it was what I expected. He seemed nice enough, but really just not my type at all. Within a few minutes I could tell, and I really just wanted to go home. I was tired, I had a long week, and I didn’t want to waste his time or mine.

I had a drink with him and we chatted for a couple of hours, and when he asked if I wanted another drink I politely declined.

The conversation itself was difficult to get through. He spent most of it talking about his ex-girlfriend’s dog, and how the dog was jealous of him, and how his ex-girlfriend didn’t train the dog properly in some ways, but did a great job in other ways. I can recount the entire history of that dog’s relationship with that guy, and how it interfered with his relationship with his ex-girlfriend, until the dog warmed up to him months later. In detail.

He also talked about his travels and how he went to Norway and all his guy friends told him the hottest girls live in Norway, and he thought they were pretty hot, but not as hot as the girls he saw in Amsterdam. But then he theorized that it could have just been the time of year–maybe all the hot girls were vacationing in their summer homes when he went? who knows. Maybe the hottest girls do live in Norway, but he just didn’t get to see them. After discussing the hotness of Norwegian and Dutch women, he kindly threw in that all cultures can have hot women, he doesn’t think one culture is necessarily hotter than another.

He commented on one of my profile pictures. I had a picture of me with a friend’s chameleon on my arm. He asked me about it, saying when he saw it he thought ‘this chick might be into some weird stuff’. He thought I might like exotic animals like chameleons, snakes, etc. etc.

I’ve been to various countries in Africa. He wondered if as a white guy he could visit Africa or if he’d be kidnapped and held for ransom.

I told him my area will be busy this weekend because it’s world pride. He smiled and said something like “oh man, you live near the gay area eh?”. I said no, I don’t live near it, I live right in it.

Overall, I really wasn’t feeling the conversation but I made an effort to be polite and seem engaged. I didn’t try to bail in any way. When he offered a second drink, I politely declined, and perhaps at that point he could tell I wasn’t quite into him.

Now. This is where egos and honesty fiercely clash.

I’ve learned this from online dating: when you reject a man, no matter how nice you try to be, or how genuine and honest you try to be, it never ends well. This really makes me wonder about expectations and entitlement. What do guys expect? Do they expect that if you go on a date with them, you will like them? Do they expect that they will drive you home, give you a kiss and say “I’ll call you”?

I haven’t dated women so I don’t know what dating is like for a guy. And I’m straight so I can’t comment on gay relationships either. I can only comment on my experiences, as a female dating males, and meeting a number of them online.

I try to be honest with people. I try to let a guy know when I’m not interested, in as honest and considerate a way as possible. Sometimes I’m less honest and more nice (I’ll say I had a good time, or that he seems like a nice guy, before saying it doesn’t feel to me like we’re compatible, or that I didn’t feel the chemistry).

The thing I noticed in myself is that I feel the need to try to be nice, so that the other person doesn’t react badly, or react with anger, which I’ve experienced so many times. It’s disheartening and it makes me wonder what is going through someone’s mind when you reject them as nicely as you can, and they feel the need to lash out at you.

Last year I went on a date with a guy and I really didn’t like him at all. Among many things, he laughed at someone who was obese who was running to catch a streetcar, and he spent much of the night showing me pictures of women on his phone who he’d photographed (it’s a hobby). Anyway, I told him as nicely as possible via text that he seemed nice enough but I didn’t feel that we were compatible. His response? “Good luck finding someone better than me”.

What a jerk. The funny thing is, months later he texted me. I didn’t respond. A few months after that, he texted me again. Still no response from me.

I just wonder what makes guys feel like it’s okay to be rude to someone who is not interested in them. I’m not being an asshole about it, I’m not saying anything mean or rude or negative at all, I’m not walking out mid-date, I am politely sitting through it and trying to stay engaged even when I know I really don’t feel anything at all between us.

So, why am I deserving of such rude treatment? Is it the action of a bruised ego needing to defend itself?

If someone told me that I seem like a really nice woman, and he had a good time, but doesn’t feel we’re compatible, I don’t think I’d feel the need to be rude at all. I would just accept it. And if I did have any hard feelings, I would internalize rather than externalize them. I would deal with it myself, but I definitely wouldn’t say “good luck finding someone better than me”.

Dating is still pretty traditional, with the guy asking the girl out, and following up if he’s interested, so guys don’t necessarily have to have these awkward conversations. He doesn’t have to tell you he thought you were really nice and he had a good time but he’s just not feeling the chemistry. All he has to do is not contact you, not message you, for you to put two and two together and move on.

This whole thing is still muddied in my mind–I can’t quite figure it out–but I feel like things would be easier if we had a way of talking about things more openly and honestly without fear of a negative reaction, or hostility, or anger.

When I reject someone, no matter how nice I try to be, that’s when his true colours come out. And I find myself on some deep level, fearing these moments and dreading these awkward conversations. It shouldn’t be this way. I don’t know what the real issue is but I think it speaks to something deeper, more insidious, and inextricably linked with how we view and socialize men and women in society.

There’s something missing around emotional intelligence, and respecting women and their choices. I’m not commenting on someone’s personality, or saying he’s a good person or bad person–I am merely commenting on my attraction to a particular individual as an individual woman. It’s about compatibility not about judging a person’s character.

I don’t know what the solution is but on my end, I’m going to keep striving to be honest, regardless of the garbage I end up having to put up with.

There’s no good way of letting someone down, though after one date I can’t imagine the emotional bond is strong at all. Which means it’s less about liking that person, and more about egos, insecurity, and feeling rejected.

June 6, 2014 by hollietuxlil

this life

Source: science.opposingviews.com

Sometimes I forget to live this life.

Sometimes virtual realities lure me,

conversations with strangers,

potential partners,

friends,

events,

glaring screens.

Sometimes my eyes glaze over,

missing sunshine,

blades of grass through fingers,

the scent of flowers,

the quiet breeze of trees blowing in a

gentle summer’s wind.

Sometimes parked on my couch,

nestled in my body-mould,

faint sitcoms keeping company,

I type and search away,

it feels life slowly passes by

as I wait

and

waste

and

lose it.

June 3, 2014 by hollietuxlil

Online dating

Source: http://www.theguardian.com

Dear Guy I Met Online and went on a Few Dates With,

Well now. I tried not to judge you by the pictures of your glistening six pack, or your muscular contortions.

Despite what you may think, these are not attractive qualities in a man–selling himself with shirtless pictures, engaged in strength building activities, clearly full of himself. That’s the image your pictures portrayed but I chose to look past it.

When on our first date you had your hand on the back of my neck, I didn’t think much of it. I know there’s a notion out there that this reflects a need for control–a man holding onto a woman’s neck isn’t’ seen as a good thing.

But I looked past it. I ignored the tiny little flag that started to rise inside my brain, to alert me to these minor details that didn’t quite sit well. I ignored the fact that we held hands on our first date, you took me for a ride on your motorcycle to show me the new house you just bought. I ignored the way you seemed so comfortable touching me, and guiding me. Was it chivalry, that I just didn’t recognize? Or was it some sort of machismo culture that I just didn’t acknowledge?

Well, slowly piece by piece it all fell into place. I don’t blame you or myself. And it’s far too easy to blame the world of online dating, that turns people into commodities, with qualities you pick and choose from as though you’re buying shoes in a catalogue.

No, blame doesn’t matter here. What matters to me is that I understand it, and right now I’m not quite sure I do. I need to dissect it and try to understand what happened so I don’t fall into the same trap again.

Well, now I ignored some of the things that were red flags to me: the ways I thought we might be way too different, too diametrically opposed to ever be good partners. Slowly though I started to see, I couldn’t ignore these things.

I could’t ignore your obsession with your body–despite your extreme fitness and muscular body you still seemed insecure about it. You mentioned more than once that you needed to get ready for beach season. This struck me as odd. You also obsessed over food, and what you ate, and how we ate when we were together, and then there was that date when you took me to your gym and told me you heard the girls change room is nice. I sort of got the feeling there was this placeholder in your life you were trying to fill–trying to find the right girl to fit into this very particular slot.

Anyway, you read my poems and it seemed to turn you off. Too many emotions, too many feminist tendencies. I mentioned I’m not a fan of men referring to women as ‘chicks’ and that seemed to cross some other line you couldn’t see yourself getting behind.

Well, in the end I guess I do understand. I guess I saw it there all along. I just wonder how you saw it, what you tell yourself, how you understand it.

Was I too independent and assertive for you? Did I have too many feminist tendencies? Did my poems betray me? Did they demonstrate a little more baggage than you thought you could handle?

Well, now I guess I’ll never know, because our little romance ended without any real end. We just stopped texting. I got the sense after that last date, when you read my poems and heard my opinion on ‘chicks’, that it wasn’t going well. We also never really had much to talk about, other than food or exercise or your new house.

Anyway, it’s interesting to me, because you seemed all in and then you were suddenly out. You said you were really glad you met me, you spent a few days here and there at my place, we cooked together, you bought me lights for my bicycle. It was a pretty quick romance, if I can call it that.

It’s okay though. I’ve had worse. It was a good way to get back in there, and get over an ex. You seemed to enjoy yourself while it lasted, and maybe we just didn’t find whatever it is we were looking for in each other.

It’s just a bizarre world when you can connect with someone, spend time with them, ‘date’ and then just have it end like it never really happened.

Oh online dating. Never a dull moment.