Source: http://www.theguardian.com
Dear Guy I Met Online and went on a Few Dates With,
Well now. I tried not to judge you by the pictures of your glistening six pack, or your muscular contortions.
Despite what you may think, these are not attractive qualities in a man–selling himself with shirtless pictures, engaged in strength building activities, clearly full of himself. That’s the image your pictures portrayed but I chose to look past it.
When on our first date you had your hand on the back of my neck, I didn’t think much of it. I know there’s a notion out there that this reflects a need for control–a man holding onto a woman’s neck isn’t’ seen as a good thing.
But I looked past it. I ignored the tiny little flag that started to rise inside my brain, to alert me to these minor details that didn’t quite sit well. I ignored the fact that we held hands on our first date, you took me for a ride on your motorcycle to show me the new house you just bought. I ignored the way you seemed so comfortable touching me, and guiding me. Was it chivalry, that I just didn’t recognize? Or was it some sort of machismo culture that I just didn’t acknowledge?
Well, slowly piece by piece it all fell into place. I don’t blame you or myself. And it’s far too easy to blame the world of online dating, that turns people into commodities, with qualities you pick and choose from as though you’re buying shoes in a catalogue.
No, blame doesn’t matter here. What matters to me is that I understand it, and right now I’m not quite sure I do. I need to dissect it and try to understand what happened so I don’t fall into the same trap again.
Well, now I ignored some of the things that were red flags to me: the ways I thought we might be way too different, too diametrically opposed to ever be good partners. Slowly though I started to see, I couldn’t ignore these things.
I could’t ignore your obsession with your body–despite your extreme fitness and muscular body you still seemed insecure about it. You mentioned more than once that you needed to get ready for beach season. This struck me as odd. You also obsessed over food, and what you ate, and how we ate when we were together, and then there was that date when you took me to your gym and told me you heard the girls change room is nice. I sort of got the feeling there was this placeholder in your life you were trying to fill–trying to find the right girl to fit into this very particular slot.
Anyway, you read my poems and it seemed to turn you off. Too many emotions, too many feminist tendencies. I mentioned I’m not a fan of men referring to women as ‘chicks’ and that seemed to cross some other line you couldn’t see yourself getting behind.
Well, in the end I guess I do understand. I guess I saw it there all along. I just wonder how you saw it, what you tell yourself, how you understand it.
Was I too independent and assertive for you? Did I have too many feminist tendencies? Did my poems betray me? Did they demonstrate a little more baggage than you thought you could handle?
Well, now I guess I’ll never know, because our little romance ended without any real end. We just stopped texting. I got the sense after that last date, when you read my poems and heard my opinion on ‘chicks’, that it wasn’t going well. We also never really had much to talk about, other than food or exercise or your new house.
Anyway, it’s interesting to me, because you seemed all in and then you were suddenly out. You said you were really glad you met me, you spent a few days here and there at my place, we cooked together, you bought me lights for my bicycle. It was a pretty quick romance, if I can call it that.
It’s okay though. I’ve had worse. It was a good way to get back in there, and get over an ex. You seemed to enjoy yourself while it lasted, and maybe we just didn’t find whatever it is we were looking for in each other.
It’s just a bizarre world when you can connect with someone, spend time with them, ‘date’ and then just have it end like it never really happened.
Oh online dating. Never a dull moment.
Unlearning the Fear 