Profile Screening

Source: http://www.theguardian.com

As I continue on my online dating journey I’m finding it a bit easier to sort through people’s profiles now that I’ve seen quite a few and met a number of people in person. I’ve developed some criteria to help me navigate this scene.

Red flag profiles:

• Describes self as good-looking
• Makes sexual jokes/innuendo
• Doesn’t have a shirt on (one shirtless pic is enough–no matter how buff you are there’s no reason for that)
• Is scowling in every picture
• Profile starts with “I’m not sure how to start this…” or “I’m new to this whole online thing, not holding my breath”
• Or “I’m not a big fan of online dating but I thought I’d give it a shot”
• If you want to know more message me (instead of actually filling out a profile….)
• Is ‘looking for someone to heal a broken heart’
• Mentions a recent break-up or ex in his self-summary
• Looks like a serial killer
• Can’t spell to save his life
• Is looking for someone ‘normal or sane–no psychos and no drama please’ (good to know you have high standards)
• Pictures have cropped-out heads in them, clearly an ex whose arm is draped around his neck
• Has no close-ups of his face, just pictures taken on trips, at a distance
• Has two pictures: one in which he’s wearing a helmet and one in which a beer mug is covering his face

My weaknesses:

• Men with dog photos because I love dogs and hear myself say ‘awwwwww’ when I see the dog…and lose focus on the person
• Same as above–substitute dogs for babies

So, again, I’m learning a thing or two. Either I will eventually meet someone or I will have a very fine-tuned process…..

Missed Connections

Source: leitesculinaria.com

Today I wrote my first missed connection. To be honest, I only recently realized there was such a thing. For those who are as clueless as I was, Craigslist has a section on its website for missed connections–people trying to reach out to someone they saw/spoke to/met, but missed having a potential connection with.

Mine happened last night. I was celebrating my friend’s 30th birthday with drinks and food, and just having an amazing time. I stepped outside for a few minutes and that’s when it happened. A cute guy walked by me, peeked into the restaurant where the rest of my friends were still seated, and started making his way back again. As he passed me I said “the food’s really good in there”. He replied “I know, I’ve eaten there before”. We had a brief conversation–he told me he’d eaten there a few times and really liked the food, but he was just checking to see if it was packed or not. It was pretty busy so he decided not to go in. I told him I was celebrating my friend’s 30th birthday and he congratulated her. I said I’d never been there before, but the food seemed good, although I ordered a peameal sandwich and had only gotten as far as picking at my cabbage salad.

Anyways, he was cute and in my intoxicated state I felt we had a pleasant conversation and he seemed nice and friendly. I regretted not chatting with him more. Instead I said “well have a good night” and ended  the conversation there.

Hence my missed connection. And being the overly introspective person that I am, I had to stop and think about this, particularly in light of my recent online dating escapades. I found him attractive, he seemed nice, and I wanted to get to know him. To me this seems to be a rarity. I’ll ‘meet’ someone online, see their pictures, exchange several messages, and then when we finally do meet, that spark, that chemistry that you can’t define, or recognize via email, isn’t there. So that’s why it felt like a missed opportunity–in light of recent experiences I recognize the rarity of a true connection.

That being said, I was pretty drunk and we had a very basic, superficial conversation so this is probably mostly in my head. The only reality is that I wanted to get to know him more. I’ve never been very open to these types of random encounters. If someone asks me for my number or tries to pick me up, I assume it’s his status quo–that he goes around doing this all the time. But I do know people who have met randomly and I’m starting to think I should be more open to these chance encounters.

I just hope that online dating isn’t skewing my perception and making me overvalue a random encounter simply because the guy was cute, seemed nice, and it wasn’t an unpleasant experience! I guess I will be more open to meeting people randomly, but I have to stay grounded and realize that not disliking someone is not a huge feat! The world of online dating sometimes makes it seem so.

I also gained some insight from reading other missed connections. It’s funny that sometimes men and women notice each other, seem to see each other as part of their daily routine, but never speak to each other. Based on the missed connections it seems like guys are sometimes too shy to approach a girl, and I get that. I usually just think badly of guys who try to pick up girls, but I’m starting to catch a glimpse of the softer side of it all–when a man is attracted to a woman and wants to get to know her, but is afraid of rejection, or made nervous by the butterflies in his stomach that seeing her causes.

Now, don’t get me wrong I also realize not all situations are this rosy. There were a number of missed connections that were a lot more about being physically attracted to someone and just wanting to sleep with them. One missed connection was by a guy who saw a gorgeous girl and was ‘thinking of all the things I want to do to you’. That to me is repulsive and invasive–to be sexually objectified by a random stranger. If you’re both looking for a romantic encounter that’s cool, but I would find it pretty disturbing if someone wrote that type of missed connection about me.

Anyways I guess the bottom line is to be aware of all the shades of grey: it’s good to be open to new possibilities but to do so with a clear mind, caution, and a realistic perspective. When looking for a life partner, you need to keep both feet on the ground.

 

 

Insecurity–the New Plague

Source: http://www.drewwagar.com

My recent venture (re-venture) into the world of online dating has me wondering about one thing: insecure men. I have come across a great number of insecure men who wear their insecurity on their sleeves and use it as a launch pad from which to fire thinly-veiled insults and hostile remarks. I wonder how these men have become so insecure.

We are bombarded with advertisements–commercials, billboards, newspaper and magazine ads– portraying the perfect woman. On a daily basis, women are told they should be thin, should cook and clean, should always look flawless, wear make up, have shiny hair– and many more attributes, to be desirable to men. It’s difficult to look in the mirror and love yourself if you absorb all of these media messages.

Now I’m sure men also experience this, but not to the same degree. So it makes me wonder, why are there so many insecure and hostile men out there? It has been my experience that when men are insecure about themselves, they project it on others and in a defensive and aggressive manner, try to bring others down. I’ve recently started to think this could be attributed to rejection. Men likely feel rejected more often than women (again this is based on personal experience and assumptions I’m making based on these experiences so I could be wrong). I have often been the one to thank a guy for a date but say I didn’t feel a romantic connection. I get the sense that this is how it typically goes–the guy is up for another date, but the woman isn’t. If that’s true, then I can see how rejection might occur more often for men, and how perhaps this could affect their sense of self and their self-esteem.

Still though, I feel like it’s a big leap from feeling rejected to becoming an insecure, hostile, defensive person. I haven’t met many women who exhibit these characteristics, though I’ve never been romantically involved with a woman so perhaps that would be a different story. I’m just not sure where this insecurity comes from, and more importantly, how to identify this red flag before getting involved with someone.

A university professor of mine once warned against using insecurity as an explanation for anything. He argued that insecurity is such an all-encompassing blanket term that it can be used to explain everything. In that sense, it really explains nothing. I just don’t know how else to explain this. I think self-hatred is also a viable contestant but it’s a stronger term and I wouldn’t feel comfortable applying it to others.

In any case, I would like to know how to identify these traits. It’s a combination of insecurity and being mean-spirited–there’s something there about turning your insecurity around and using it, like a sharpened dagger, to assault someone.

As I continue down this path of online dating, maybe it will become more clear to me. Maybe patterns will emerge and I’ll learn how to spot the warning signs without having to endure a painful first date, or an awful relationship that unknowingly brings me down. If I do, I’ll be sure to share any wisdom I gain. For now, it’s back to living and learning.