worst enemies

source: tahirfarooq.wordpress.com

We are our own worst enemies. This weekend I was reminded of that.

On a hike in the woods with some friends I got to chatting with a good friend of mine. Our talk became quite personal and I could tell it affected him strongly. I could see the emotions and their intensity written all over his face, his body language, and the tears that gently welled up in his eyes.

This conversation reminded me that we are always hardest on ourselves. The things we say to ourselves, the things we think, the way we view ourselves and our actions–we wouldn’t treat our friends this way.

Through my eyes, I saw a completely different person than who he felt himself to be. His mother played a huge role in that. She never seemed proud of him and she didn’t seem to believe in him at all. This made him doubt himself, look down on himself, judge himself, and at the end of the day, dislike and disbelieve in himself.

He had a lot of anger and rage toward his mother, and his feelings made him doubt himself further–he wondered if he was a cold, unemotional, unfeeling person, and whether something was wrong with him.

I reminded him of a day when he and I were supposed to be meeting up for a summer festival, and when he found me there I was bawling my eyes out. My father had said some very hurtful things to me moments before, and I was sobbing quite hysterically in public. When my friend met up with me I told him I was fine, it was nothing. I told him we should go, since we were supposed to meet up with other friends as well, and that I’d be fine.

He wouldn’t accept that. He told me to stop, and breathe, and gave me time to compose myself a bit. Then we walked to a quiet street and he wanted to know what was wrong, and what upset me. I could see that he was really affected by my tears, and that he cared about me a lot.

I reminded him of this day, and I told him–he was the last person I would ever describe as unfeeling or uncaring. He was a great friend–supportive, caring, considerate and always willing to help with anything he could.

Sometimes we’re hard on ourselves in a way we wouldn’t be with others. Sometimes we have stories in our minds that play out, whether or not they’re in touch with ‘reality’. We can sometimes see things in a very negative light.

A couple of months ago I found out I got a job that I really wanted. I was super happy and really looking forward to it. At the same time, within that period, I broke up with my boyfriend.

I felt really hopeless. I felt like I kept going in circles and was destined to feel the same sting of pain every time. Another relationship lost. I felt like everything was up in the air–I’d be starting a new job, I was fresh out of a relationship–so much change in so little time made me anxious.

I remember being in the car with my brother driving, and me bawling my eyes out because I really thought this guy might’ve been the one, and I really liked him a lot. My heart was breaking and it made everything look bad.

My brother asked me, and I could hear the sincerity in his voice: “how can two people look at the same thing and see something so different?”

My brother said he was proud of me for letting go of something that wasn’t right for me, and for ending that relationship. He could see I wasn’t happy. As much as I liked this guy, he had a lot of baggage and wasn’t treating me well because of it.  He said he was also proud of me for trying hard to find a job that I love, for going to interview after interview and not giving up until I got there.

While I saw someone whose life was in shambles, my brother saw strength and resiliency. He saw someone on the way to better things, someone who was strong and fought for herself.

Maybe sometimes the way we feel colours the way we see things, and how we perceive them to be. I felt really awful in that moment. I felt broken-hearted–a feeling that wasn’t quite new to me–and I felt hopeless. But that wasn’t the reality of my situation. Losing someone hurts, but it also opens the door to something better, to someone who can appreciate you the way you appreciate them. And as much as the unknown can be scary, starting a new job and being newly single doesn’t have to be overwhelming. Change can be good. Stability can be comforting, but, change can be good.

I think it’s good to take a step back every now and then and try to reassess the situation. Try to take that initial perception or interpretation and see it from different angles. See the different possibilities that might exist. Think of what you would say to a friend in that situation. How you would react, what you might think, what you would tell them.

Sometimes we give our friends and family a bit more slack than we give ourselves, and at the end of the day we owe it to ourselves to care. We owe it to ourselves to be kind, understanding and accepting of ourselves.

 

Love Yourself

 

Love Yourself–

two words blowing in a

Wind storm

never really stood a chance

against the images,

visuals I’m bombarded with

Daily.

Love yourself but be thin,

Be pretty, be shy and smart and quiet–

learn to cook.

Aim for perfection,

attain it,

work those abs and thighs and legs

perfect your ass,

make sure your body is ideal

no fat or flab

just chiseled–

Love yourself.

Letter to an Un-named Ex

Source: http://www.stepbystep.com

Well, who knows if I’ll ever actually say these things to you or send them to you or let you read them. It’s been a week and a half and you ominously stated the day that we broke up, that you’d like to contact me in a month. I know, you like to stay friends with your exes. You know, I don’t. But you said you’d respect how I feel and you wondered if I’d still want to know how you’re doing. Well, if you asked me right now my answer would be a resounding no.

It’s bad enough that you now live down the street from me and I have to scour the streets every time I walk my dog or enter the grocery store. It’s bad enough you told me you’re going to live there until you’re married (just not to me, clearly). But to intentionally meet with you, well I think that would just be cruel and unnecessary. But we’ll see how I feel whenever it is you reach out to me. Time has a strange way of morphing feelings and perceptions.

Right now I want to tell you that sometimes I hate you and I think of you as the worst kind of d-bag–the kind who doesn’t think he is one. The kind who is so nice to his friends, and supportive of his family, but who treats his girlfriend like sh*t. You’re the worst kind because you don’t even see how mean and how cruel you are. You’re also the worst kind because part of me feels like you can’t help it. It’s not even that your intentions are bad–you’re not trying to be cruel but you can’t help it. You’re so damn insecure that you feel justified in treating a partner badly, in harshly pushing her away, in yelling, in putting your shoes on and running out the door. You feel justified because you don’t have the capacity to do anything better, or anything different.

I never said these things to you and sometimes I wish I had, and sometimes I have the overwhelming urge to march over to your door and say them to you now, to your face. You had no qualms about yelling at me for my insecurities, you had no qualms about telling me that I’m so needy, like my dog. You had no qualms telling me these things, but I never said anything that cruel to you. The truth is, I can handle it, but you can’t. If I called you on all your insecurities I’m not sure how you’d react. You’re hard enough on yourself, but projecting your insecurities into defensive assaults and angry tirades isn’t right. Either get the help you need, or give up on relationships. It’s not fair to keep stringing women along, and breaking hearts.

 

 

Here I Go Again

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Listening to Whitesnake ‘Here I Go Again’. Seems to be the anthem of my life: ‘here I go again on my own, going down the only road I’ve ever known’. I’m starting to think maybe I am a ‘drifter born to walk alone’. Seems like I keep finding myself in the same place again. And again.

I know, Einstein said it’s insanity to do the same things over and over and expect change. Well, I’ve tried to change. But some things are more difficult to change than others. Sometimes you have to wonder if there’s something wrong with you. I have always had a hard time being in relationships. I get clingy and jealous and I don’t know how to be my own person. I learned how to live alone and I’ve been very independent for a very long time. But throw someone else into the equation and I fly off the handles.

I know for a guy that’s probably the worst combination–clingy and jealous. I’ve learned to control the jealousy at least. I’m so funny and hypocritical sometimes. I hate the media and all the stereotypes of men and women that it portrays but at the same time I can’t fight them, I can’t fight their absorption into my mind, their sinister manipulation and deceit.

If this were a movie plot, what do you think the outcome would be: a married man sits down at a bar, meets an attractive young woman, they chat casually about nothing. She’s single and interested and makes it known in whatever subtle or unsubtle way that she’s into him. Do you think the man flashes his hand to show her his commitment, or do you think he sees where it goes, and sleeps with her?

I know, real life is not a movie but maybe I’ve watched too much TV and seen too many movies growing up. I know a lot of good men in my life who I know would never go down that path. But the insidiousness of media messages seems to be ingrained, something I can’t conquer. Anytime I picture my partner in any type of situation like that, I don’t think about him as an individual and the fact that he is a good man, who I trust completely. Instead it seems the movie reels shine brightly and my fears become my expectations.

I’m not sure what to do about this. Not sure where I learned this or how to get rid of these ideas. Maybe the only option is to trust–to try very hard to just trust and recognize that my fears are just that: fears. If someone breaks your trust, well then, that’s a different story.

The unfortunate thing for me is I’ve dated a few d-bags who did lie to me and cheat on me, adding to the stockpile of fears and expectations the media has so kindly imparted. I have to learn to separate external forces, and past people and events from the present. Until I learn to do that, I will continually be shooting myself in the foot every time.

The clingy well that’s another story. I don’t know if it’s clingy so much as, I like being a couple and functioning as a couple but I need to learn to give people space. Sometimes you want to go out with your friends without me and that’s cool. I really have no issues with people having separate interests, friends, etc. etc. I think it’s a good thing and brings something fresh and new to the relationship. It can help to ensure that two people have their lives, are happy, and come together in that happiness. Problem is I like being with the person I’m with. Just cuddling and watching movies, going for coffee, etc. etc. I like spending time with the person. But I need to recognize that people need different levels of space and alone time and together time and I have to stop taking it personally. That’s the thing really, when someone doesn’t want to see you (and not that they don’t want to see you, but they have plans) and you take it as a personal affront, or you take it to mean something more, such as your level of affection for them greatly outweighs theirs for you.

Another funny thing I’ve noticed. When I’m on my own I focus on myself and the things I enjoy. When I’m with someone, I focus on the relationship, and find all these things that are wrong with me that I need to work on.

People say when you find the right person you just know, and it works. Relationships definitely take work, but you don’t constantly feel like you have to change things about yourself. I don’t know if that’s true. I keep ending up in the same place, with the same conclusions. Haven’t figured it out yet that’s for sure.

Hate myself

Source: voices.yahoo.com

I hate feelings,

always Destabilizing.

You’re across the world

and I’m seeing my own

Ugliness too clearly.

I hate myself some days.

Wish I could read your emails,

be Happy and Content,

instead I just get jealous,

Insecure, afraid.

Instead I start to hear the

same thoughts creep into

my mind:

Maybe it’s time.

Maybe we should end this,

before more ugliness comes out,

before you drown me.

Insecurity–the New Plague

Source: http://www.drewwagar.com

My recent venture (re-venture) into the world of online dating has me wondering about one thing: insecure men. I have come across a great number of insecure men who wear their insecurity on their sleeves and use it as a launch pad from which to fire thinly-veiled insults and hostile remarks. I wonder how these men have become so insecure.

We are bombarded with advertisements–commercials, billboards, newspaper and magazine ads– portraying the perfect woman. On a daily basis, women are told they should be thin, should cook and clean, should always look flawless, wear make up, have shiny hair– and many more attributes, to be desirable to men. It’s difficult to look in the mirror and love yourself if you absorb all of these media messages.

Now I’m sure men also experience this, but not to the same degree. So it makes me wonder, why are there so many insecure and hostile men out there? It has been my experience that when men are insecure about themselves, they project it on others and in a defensive and aggressive manner, try to bring others down. I’ve recently started to think this could be attributed to rejection. Men likely feel rejected more often than women (again this is based on personal experience and assumptions I’m making based on these experiences so I could be wrong). I have often been the one to thank a guy for a date but say I didn’t feel a romantic connection. I get the sense that this is how it typically goes–the guy is up for another date, but the woman isn’t. If that’s true, then I can see how rejection might occur more often for men, and how perhaps this could affect their sense of self and their self-esteem.

Still though, I feel like it’s a big leap from feeling rejected to becoming an insecure, hostile, defensive person. I haven’t met many women who exhibit these characteristics, though I’ve never been romantically involved with a woman so perhaps that would be a different story. I’m just not sure where this insecurity comes from, and more importantly, how to identify this red flag before getting involved with someone.

A university professor of mine once warned against using insecurity as an explanation for anything. He argued that insecurity is such an all-encompassing blanket term that it can be used to explain everything. In that sense, it really explains nothing. I just don’t know how else to explain this. I think self-hatred is also a viable contestant but it’s a stronger term and I wouldn’t feel comfortable applying it to others.

In any case, I would like to know how to identify these traits. It’s a combination of insecurity and being mean-spirited–there’s something there about turning your insecurity around and using it, like a sharpened dagger, to assault someone.

As I continue down this path of online dating, maybe it will become more clear to me. Maybe patterns will emerge and I’ll learn how to spot the warning signs without having to endure a painful first date, or an awful relationship that unknowingly brings me down. If I do, I’ll be sure to share any wisdom I gain. For now, it’s back to living and learning.