Source: http://www.fubiz.net
Too many thoughts to control,
to battle, disprove, keep in
Line.
Pointed self-hatred,
Depression,
a cycle
Ensnared me.
Tears flow before you,
Hopelessly drowning in
weakness and shame.
A lifelong battle
winning or losing
never ends.
Source: voices.yahoo.com
I hate feelings,
always Destabilizing.
You’re across the world
and I’m seeing my own
Ugliness too clearly.
I hate myself some days.
Wish I could read your emails,
be Happy and Content,
instead I just get jealous,
Insecure, afraid.
Instead I start to hear the
same thoughts creep into
my mind:
Maybe it’s time.
Maybe we should end this,
before more ugliness comes out,
before you drown me.
Source: http://www.martofimages.com
I scratched at open wounds,
Intentionally irritating,
Flaming fires
Baiting you.
Knowing all the while
I was being a child,
Unable, unwilling to control it.
You bit your tongue,
Gave me time to think.
Silence fuels repentance,
Makes you wonder,
Reflect, see the truth.
I dug into myself,
Delved into the feelings
I ignore,
I implore,
To simply vanish.
I took an honest look.
Apologies come easily to me
When there’s air–
A safe space,
For vulnerability and honesty,
For me to see what’s inside of me,
Without shields built of fear
Obscuring truths.
Sincere apologies,
Mere words,
But I feel it churn my insides
When I look into your eyes,
Wish I could take back time,
Redo my actions.
You’ve already forgiven me,
Already accepted apologies,
But what grows inside of me
Doesn’t change:
Self-hatred waiting to stockpile
My regrets.
Source: motivational-speakers-review.com
It’s tough climbing hills
With the burden of hate
On your back.
Family, not a safety net
But an anchor weighing me down,
A spear puncturing my heart,
A mirror reflecting my own
Doubts,
Magnifying my hatred.
Somewhere along the line
The tables turned
You transformed from
Admired
To feared to loathed to a
Bag of mixed emotions
Haunting my days.
Forgiveness
Not a word you hold dear,
Though transgressions you acknowledge
Far too easily.
Apologies fall
On indifferent ears.
Fingers point the blame,
Intending to shun,
To incite shame,
But all the doors to reconciliation
Remain:
Firmly closed.
Do you enjoy your place upon your throne?
Living days and nights alone?
But feeling inside
A sense of pride
At pointing fingers
At bringing me down?
Source: http://www.noupe.com
My guard’s down,
In slumber,
You come to me,
Wielding accusations.
Guilt eats me from the inside,
Maggots,
Feasting on my soul,
My weak self-image.
Hatred,
Poisoned arrows,
Pierce my skin,
Your anger grows like weeds
Into my own.
Success.
Victory accomplished.
I’m defeated.
I loathe myself,
Can’t stand the sight
Of my reflection
By night or day.
Source: guardianlv.co
Little girl,
Already soaking in self-hatred,
Messages, flashing images,
Ingrained.
Pointing at me, desire dripping in her voice
She says:
I wish my skin was the same colour as yours.
Hanging heavy in the air
These words lingered,
Punctured
My heart.
Lessons dictating your worth,
Absorbed too easily.
I want to say ‘love yourself and who you are’
But I already know:
There’s too much out there to overcome,
Too many obstacles, unarmed, to overtake.
And me, an Arab,
Already over-determined:
Identity pegged,
Religion assumed,
I too
Fight these battles.
Shame overtakes me,
My first thought,
Why me?
I’m not white, even.
But I remember a time
I wanted blue eyes,
Light hair,
Heightened worth.
Now a path has brought me
To understanding–
Racism, discrimination, intolerance,
Banished tyrants have no place
In a true world.
I can only hope
In time she too will see,
The politics of race,
And the beauty of her own face.
Source: thespeechstory.wordpress.com
I need a bit of space
To like myself again
Instead of feeling
Drained and
Taken-up.
I need a bit of space
To remember
How I was
What I did
And wanted.
I need a bit of space
To find my strength,
My self-esteem,
To pat my back
For once.
I need a bit of space
To escape
A dynamic:
Self-hatred,
Self-loathing,
Asphyxiation.
Source: orbingpunk.deviantart.com
Unwanted.
A spear
Puncturing my heart.
Worthless.
A penny
Rusted green.
Unhappy.
The knife
Slicing my skin.
Dragged.
A noose
Around your neck.
Source: 3rdhouseparty.typepad.com
She takes a knife.
The sharpened edge
Scrapes along her skin,
Moving slowly,
Feeling pointed
Tension.
Tiny drops,
A line:
Release
Self-hatred.
Scabs like memories
Identify the pain
Pent-up
Inside her skin
Seeking exit.
On autopilot,
Broken-record scenes
Play out,
Photocopies
Mirrors
Relics of the past—
Eternal.
Source: scaret.deviantart.com
Today I hate myself a little bit.
Not sure why I feel so down,
I feel depressed.
I want to sleep and awaken
In a different place
A different mood,
One that I can stand.
I can’t point fingers,
Just stare into a mirror,
Blame myself.
Or maybe it’s the weather,
The darkened sky
Threatening to rain,
Draws forth my tears,
A magnet for my pain–
Welcome release.
I feel like crying and I’m not even sure why.
Same old question
Resounding in my mind
Bouncing off the walls
Of solitude and emptiness around me–
What exactly is the matter
With me?
Dragged behind my thoughts
Flailing,
Thrashing,
Helpless–
Losing a fight
I just want to
Walk away from.
Unlearning the Fear 