Epiphanies and Victories

Source: deaconlohouse.blogspot.com

It has been a seriously rough couple of days. Waiting to find out if someone is going to break up with you or not is really one of the worst, most anxiety-producing things in the world. I waited over a day without any contact at all, then asked if I could please have some sort of timeline just so I know when we might talk. I didn’t say it but I had been checking my phone every thirty seconds and it was really starting to drive me nuts.

Anyway last night we talked. It was a really, really good talk. My brother says sometimes you need some conflict to get to a better place. Well, the past couple of days was the height of conflict, and I think we have reached the best place we’ve been in, so far.

It’s funny, sometimes you can be so afraid of something you almost will it to happen just so you can get it over with. We were both pretty afraid of it ending, for various reasons. Relationship baggage can be a serious bitch to get passed. But we realized that we haven’t been communicating, mostly out of fear. We both sort of made assumptions about each other, the relationship, our actions, and our relationship started to exist in this virtual Assumption World. Talking about things really helped to bring everything back to reality, and to a level of true understanding.

I feel really relieved right now. I am in a relationship with someone I really like, and for the first time in the four months we’ve been dating, it feels purely good. There’s no hesitation on my part, because we know how the other feels now and how we have misinterpreted a number of things along the way.

I think I have learned a lot about myself these past couple of weeks. I’m glad I have such amazing people in my life who I can talk to, and who have really helped me grow as a person, and to understand myself better, and the things that I’m doing to shoot myself in the foot.

I realized that I often act on assumptions that are not necessarily based in ‘reality’. That is, I perceive things in a certain way and act on those perceptions without considering the myriad of other possibilities that could exist. I’m sure lots of people do this and maybe it doesn’t seem like a big deal but to me it’s huge. It changes my entire life. The first step is to be aware of these things when they pop up–just to notice they exist, that this is an instance in which you are assuming something: how someone feels, what they think, what they think of you, without actually knowing these things. The best thing of course is to ask and not assume, but I think applying this in my life will really change it.

I’m not sure I’m really articulating myself very well right now. It has been a mind blowing realization for me. I knew this about myself to some extent, but only recently did I understand how pervasive and negative my assumptions are. So much so that I stopped even recognizing them as assumptions.

Anyway I’ve really gotten into workbooks lately (um…I went from self-help books to self-help workbooks…. :/) and I find them really useful. Right now I’m working through a workbook on interpersonal relationships and it’s been pretty eye opening. It talks about various schema we develop in childhood to cope with our circumstances and how these become so ingrained that they are automatically triggered as coping mechanisms whether or not they’re effective, and how this can lead people to develop negative patterns and continually experience negative interactions or relationships with others.

It helps you to recognize the schema that you hold as true, in your mind, and how they affect you and how you react to things based on these schema. For now I’m trying to be aware and to recognize these things as they come up. The book suggests that your schema is activated any time you feel a very strong reaction toward something. I often find something small can trigger a strong reaction in me–a sense of panic, a fear–without me really understanding why or even really questioning it. I just feel the feeling of fear or panic and usually I withdraw or try to somehow cope with it.

Now, I’m trying to acknowledge this strong emotion and to think about which of my schema it has activated, and to understand myself better.

Yay for self-help, good conversations, and the beauty of people who genuinely try to understand you, and themselves, in a safe space.

Sorry

Source: http://www.martofimages.com

 

I scratched at open wounds,

Intentionally irritating,

Flaming fires

Baiting you.

Knowing all the while

I was being a child,

Unable, unwilling to control it.

 

You bit your tongue,

Gave me time to think.

Silence fuels repentance,

Makes you wonder,

Reflect, see the truth.

 

I dug into myself,

Delved into the feelings

I ignore,

I implore,

To simply vanish.

 

I took an honest look.

Apologies come easily to me

When there’s air–

A safe space,

For vulnerability and honesty,

For me to see what’s inside of me,

Without shields built of fear

Obscuring truths.

 

Sincere apologies,

Mere words,

But I feel it churn my insides

When I look into your eyes,

Wish I could take back time,

Redo my actions.

 

You’ve already forgiven me,

Already accepted apologies,

But what grows inside of me

Doesn’t change:

Self-hatred waiting to stockpile

My regrets.

 

Hear You

Source: http://www.teenink.com

I hear your words.

Attentive,

Momentarily suspending

Knee-jerk reactions

Ingrained norms

Inherited ideals.

 

I hear your words

And for the first time it’s okay.

For the first time,

Conversation ensues–

Engaging, challenging, rewarding.

Not arguments and spite,

Insecurities and fears,

War waged with Losses

Sustained

On both sides.

 

 

Relationship Impasse

Source: thereddotman.com

 

I seem to be at an impasse. A relationship impasse. As much as I think communication is key in relationships, sometimes it does nothing for you. Sometimes you have an issue and you talk about it, discuss it, express your feelings, and still, you get nowhere. You reach an impasse. You can see your partner’s point of view, but it doesn’t change anything. Well, here I am dating someone who is very busy with work. For this reason I was hesitant to date him. We met online and after a few dates I knew I liked him but his work schedule was a deal breaker. I broke it off but we kept in touch and everyone kept telling me I should give him a chance if I liked him that much.

 

Well I do, but nothing has changed. He owns a company with a couple of other partners, business is taking off and it’s draining and time consuming. He’s also an artist, and it’s important to him to devote time to his art. I respect him a great deal for his drive, his motivation, and his creativity. At the same time, I resent him for the time he spends focused on his projects, of which he has many. I feel very alone in this relationship. I know we care about each other but I’m very unhappy. I’m just wondering what the solution is. And this is where talking doesn’t seem to help one bit. So I’m giving writing a try.

 

What are my options? Try not to let his busy-ness bother me, until things calm down, as he keeps telling me they will (some time around January)? Do I walk away and give up on a great connection, someone I love and care about? What’s the alternative? Compromise doesn’t seem to help. We watch movies together while he works on his laptop. He makes ‘efforts’ to see me once during the week. Why am I an effort? Why does it take effort? This is my fundamental problem: it feels like I want to see him and I care about him more than he does me.

Now, of course he denies this and part of me has come to understand this is true. He’s very busy but that doesn’t mean he cares about me any less. Still though I can’t help but feel dissatisfied, pushed aside, ignored. He knows I walked away from a five-year relationship for this very reason–to put an end to a workaholic taking over my life.

But his business is taking off now so of course he’s going to be busy……some questions just don’t have answers. Sometimes only time will reveal the path you should take. Until then I will try not to feel alone, or panicked. Relationship grey zones are the worst.

Bad Communication

Source: sunnylam.ca

 

I had a weekend of writing lots of poetry. Which means it was a bit of a roller coaster. I have a hard time dealing with my emotions sometimes. I hate conflict, I avoid it at all costs, which means suppression. I suppress the things that bother me, push them down, away, out of my mind. Then boom. Something tips me over the edge and I lose it. All the things I’ve been trying to suppress come spewing forth. I realized I’m a really bad communicator. I take my feelings and emotions and I write them out. I need to learn to communicate better verbally.

It’s funny because I truly believe that communication is so important in relationships, and yet I’m so bad at it. Probably part of the problem is that experience has taught me, there are some things discussions can’t change. You work a lot and it bothers me. These are facts. We’ve talked about this, around this, discussed, grappled, argued–and still our actions seem to follow the same path, lead down the same road.

So, what does talking change? It frustrates you and saddens me and hardens me a little. I don’t think it has to be that way though. I think maybe if we try, we can work it out together, by talking.

My brother’s words seemed idealistic but I think he has a point (and surprisingly, good relationship advice). He said we need to talk to each other about these things, and try to find a way to meet each other’s needs. We can’t just say, okay, six months from now when this is off the ground work won’t be so busy, and we’ll be fine then. Just accept this for now and the future will be different.

 

Can’t say it. Doesn’t work for me, or for you, because it keeps coming up every now and again. It’s what my brother said–life is right now. You can’t always be living for some idealistic future that you’re hoping for. You need to tell me what you need, and I need to tell you what I need, so we can get through this time together. Not grin and bear it and hope that it will pass and we will come out the other end unscathed.

The irony is, I’m sitting here writing about this.