July 2, 2014 by hollietuxlil

Source: georgecouros.ca

Life is a

waiting game,

It gets harder to believe

in change,

To see a

Different future

than this

Cycle I’m reliving

day by day.

I’ve suppressed the tears

but pain can’t be

Erased,

just processed in the

Breaths of every day.

June 30, 2014 by hollietuxlil

Old Friend

Source: http://www.baytherapy.co.uk

Depression, my old friend,

this time I really thought

we’d parted

but you’ve returned,

as always–

eager and consuming.

I feel the urge to cry,

to curl into a ball and weep until

my insides exhaust me.

Until I’m spaced out and empty

in my mind.

The TV will guide me,

Lull me into the silence of nothingness,

Hold my hand tenderly,

Distract me from my life.

I’ll slip into a world of familiar faces,

Nestled in my corner of the couch,

In silent darkness.

Just breathe through the moments

until slumber comes to rescue you from today–

inviting tomorrow.

May 28, 2014 by hollietuxlil

Fallen

Source: commons.wikimedia.org

Momma this is it for me,

Fallen, cast astray,

little bits of dirt clinging to the asphalt–

Forgotten.

Brushed aside, landing in the cracks

of margins made to fit the

likes of me.

Trapped in tornadoes

forever spinning

through the same life,

endings and beginnings–

eternally paired.

April 23, 2014 by hollietuxlil

Panic Ignited

Source: uhaweb.hartford.edu

Cigarette:

the Devil luring me in.

Fighting denial,

Fuelling Anxiety,

Panic ignited–

No escape.

April 14, 2014 by hollietuxlil

Finding Myself

I think I’m finally starting to find myself. Really find myself. I was scared for a long time. For some reason I felt like there was something wrong with me. And I can guess where it stems from but it’s not really relevant to me anymore. It doesn’t determine me.

It might sound trivial but it means a lot and makes a big difference, to me. It’s the difference between feeling completely hopeless, and feeling in control. I’ve learned to understand myself better, to try to see the many different sides of things, reasons and causes and motivations.

I used to think too linearly. Now I see we are all very complex people, living in a very complex world. So instead of thinking in black and white terms, instead of drawing conclusions and making assumptions, I take a step back and try to think, what are the possibilities here? What could be someone’s motivation in this instance? And if those are the motivations, what does that mean?

Sometimes my thoughts can get away from me and I can make assumptions about myself or others that are not in line with ‘reality’ whatever that may be. I’ve learned to control my thoughts and emotions better. To be aware of where my thoughts take me, the conclusions I’m drawing, and the negative thinking that I often automatically engage in.

It might seem like a small thing, but it’s empowering, and ultimately for me, life changing. It’s a work in progress and we learn and grow every day but now I’m seeing the beauty of it. Now I’m not as afraid to try something new or to be in a situation that might make me uncomfortable. Baby steps. But being uncomfortable doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with me, or that I can’t overcome this hurdle, and be comfortable in that situation or a similar one.

A lot of our world is mediated through our thoughts. I’m learning to acknowledge mine, and consider the possible alternatives. I’m more aware of any negative self-thoughts or ruminative thoughts, and I feel like I’m finally starting to feel in control of my own life.

I’ve felt the panic and anxiety of revolving around someone else’s life. Now I’m beginning to revolve around myself, and not out of loneliness or solitude, but out of strength, and it feels great.