I think I’m finally starting to find myself. Really find myself. I was scared for a long time. For some reason I felt like there was something wrong with me. And I can guess where it stems from but it’s not really relevant to me anymore. It doesn’t determine me.
It might sound trivial but it means a lot and makes a big difference, to me. It’s the difference between feeling completely hopeless, and feeling in control. I’ve learned to understand myself better, to try to see the many different sides of things, reasons and causes and motivations.
I used to think too linearly. Now I see we are all very complex people, living in a very complex world. So instead of thinking in black and white terms, instead of drawing conclusions and making assumptions, I take a step back and try to think, what are the possibilities here? What could be someone’s motivation in this instance? And if those are the motivations, what does that mean?
Sometimes my thoughts can get away from me and I can make assumptions about myself or others that are not in line with ‘reality’ whatever that may be. I’ve learned to control my thoughts and emotions better. To be aware of where my thoughts take me, the conclusions I’m drawing, and the negative thinking that I often automatically engage in.
It might seem like a small thing, but it’s empowering, and ultimately for me, life changing. It’s a work in progress and we learn and grow every day but now I’m seeing the beauty of it. Now I’m not as afraid to try something new or to be in a situation that might make me uncomfortable. Baby steps. But being uncomfortable doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with me, or that I can’t overcome this hurdle, and be comfortable in that situation or a similar one.
A lot of our world is mediated through our thoughts. I’m learning to acknowledge mine, and consider the possible alternatives. I’m more aware of any negative self-thoughts or ruminative thoughts, and I feel like I’m finally starting to feel in control of my own life.
I’ve felt the panic and anxiety of revolving around someone else’s life. Now I’m beginning to revolve around myself, and not out of loneliness or solitude, but out of strength, and it feels great.
Unlearning the Fear 