Finding Myself

I think I’m finally starting to find myself. Really find myself. I was scared for a  long time. For some reason I felt like there was something wrong with me. And I can guess where it stems from but it’s not really relevant to me anymore. It doesn’t determine me.

It might sound trivial but it means a lot and makes a big difference, to me. It’s the difference between feeling completely hopeless, and feeling in control. I’ve learned to understand myself better, to try to see the many different sides of things, reasons and causes and motivations.

I used to think too linearly. Now I see we are all very complex people, living in a very complex world. So instead of thinking in black and white terms, instead of drawing conclusions and making assumptions, I take a step back and try to think, what are the possibilities here? What could be someone’s motivation in this instance? And if those are the motivations, what does that mean?

Sometimes my thoughts can get away from me and I can make assumptions about myself or others that are not in line with ‘reality’ whatever that may be. I’ve learned to control my thoughts and emotions better. To be aware of where my thoughts take me, the conclusions I’m drawing, and the negative thinking that I often automatically engage in.

It might seem like a small thing, but it’s empowering, and ultimately for me, life changing. It’s a work in progress and we learn and grow every day but now I’m seeing the beauty of it. Now I’m not as afraid to try something new or to be in a situation that might make me uncomfortable. Baby steps. But being uncomfortable doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with me, or that I can’t overcome this hurdle, and be comfortable in that situation or a similar one.

A lot of our world is mediated through our thoughts. I’m learning to acknowledge mine, and consider the possible alternatives. I’m more aware of any negative self-thoughts or ruminative thoughts, and I feel like I’m finally starting to feel in control of my own life.

I’ve felt the panic and anxiety of revolving around someone else’s life. Now I’m beginning to revolve around myself, and not out of loneliness or solitude, but out of strength, and it feels great.

Core Beliefs

Source: 30sleeps.com

Last week we talked

About core beliefs.

I cried so much I couldn’t speak.

Struck too close to home.

 

Ghosts of past haunt me,

Still control me,

Still strike me down,

Still push me back

As I struggle to move on,

Go forward,

Progress.

 

You taught me it makes sense,

It’s understandable

Why these fears

Loom so large in my life.

 

Childhood taught me

Abandonment is just around the corner

Waiting to snatch you

From the safety

You possess,

You fight so hard to cling to.

 

I just need to know

Does understanding lead

To overcoming?

Or am I doomed?

 

 

New Paths

Source: lafayetteca.wordpress.com

I want to organize my mind,
A little spring cleaning
Inside my brain—
Clear out the clutter,
Fix up those neurons,
The pathways and connections
I fall back on
Like a road far too
Well-travelled.

A construction worker’s hat,
Dusty,
Hanging in a dark
Niche of my mind.
New roads—
Unpaved,
Non-existent,
Badly needed.

CBT Take Two

Source: http://www.cbt-psychotherapy-ltd.com

I previously posted about my CBT Fail–basically that I walked out on my social anxiety CBT group and never went back. Well I had a minor meltdown and started crying so I felt that I didn’t really want to go back there. Well, one of the therapists was super nice and is now doing individual therapy with me.

I’ve seen a lot of therapists in my lifetime. I once saw a psychiatrist for six months. I talked and talked. He asked some questions. Never really said much. Then after six months he told me I was dead inside. He told me the process of watching my mother die (she fought cancer for four years until she died in 2003) made me dead inside.

So, you can imagine how I feel about therapy.

Well, this feels different. First off it’s a CBT approach which I like. It’s less about going into my past, or subconscious and trying to figure out the source of all my problems and issues. It’s more about now–about my thoughts right now and how I can do things, take small steps, to improve my life. It’s very goal-oriented and I like that. It focuses you and helps create positive change almost immediately. I’ve already developed two goals for this week and I’m well on my way to completing one of them.

It’s definitely a start. Yesterday was my first session so I’ll have to see how it goes, but it seems promising and feels good.

Sometimes I can get caught up in trying to understand the origins of why I do things, or feel things. I try to figure out how I got here, why I’m so down sometimes, why I panic, feel anxious, feel unstable. I realize though the origin isn’t important. It won’t help me to figure out where to go from here. It seems counter-intuitive. I always thought if I figured out what caused me to be/feel/think this way (albeit it the ‘what’ in this scenario is actually a multitude of factors) I would be able to figure out how to deal with it, address it, undo it. But now I’m taking a different approach. Really doesn’t matter how I got here. What matters is where I want to go, and how to get there.

 

 

Boxed In

Source: http://www.womanaroundtown.com

Slowly I comprehend

What limits me—

These thoughts

The rules I have

Created,

Learned,

Absorbed.

 

Rigid lines I draw

Around myself,

My life—

Boxed in,

Drowning in a

Well,

My own creation

Limits

Confines

Destroys

Me.

Compare and Chastise, Yourself

Source: essentialhealth.com

I haven’t written in a while about how things are going in the world of Depression/Anxiety/CBT. Well, CBT is off the table, I seem to have failed in that respect, or it failed me I’m not quite sure. I couldn’t take it anymore so I stopped. I’m going into individual counselling which I think will be more helpful for me. It seems my depression has overtaken my anxiety and it’s what I need to battle first and foremost. I spend a lot of time thinking about my life and what I’m doing with it and maybe that’s part of the problem. Maybe I need to do more and think less. I don’t know why I feel this way and I hate feeling this way. I go home after work (which I find draining in a killing-my-soul sort of way) and park myself in front of my TV while randomly looking stuff up on the internet. Trying to find something new to do, something meaningful to engage in.

 

I joined Tai Chi and quit after the first class. It was weird because I really enjoyed the first class, but the second time I went it was far too clique-y for me and I felt like I never wanted to go back again. So I didn’t. This seems to be my current pattern: avoid at all costs anything that makes you feel bad. Well that was a waste of $150. I gave the card to a friend though I’m not sure she’s going to take the classes either.

Even writing this I hate the way I sound. So whiny and obnoxious. My life is so tough, I’m a privileged North American adult yet I can’t seem to find any joy in my privilege or my life. I hate this fight. I blame myself, then wonder if it’s ‘me’ or something outside of my control going on inside my head. Just feels again like this isn’t ‘ME’ whatever this is. I don’t take anything in my life for granted and I know that I’m lucky to be employed, able-bodied, capable, to have different opportunities if I seek them. So then what exactly is my problem? I don’t know.

I volunteer my time toward causes I care about. It’s partly a solution at times–it alleviates some of the guilt and self-hatred associated with feeling so down and complaining despite the knowledge that others out there are suffering too, in different ways, and perhaps they too can’t help themselves. I’m supposed to realize, I guess, that my suffering isn’t as bad, objectively, as that of other people. I guess that’s what I try to tell myself, it’s the old comparison and chastisement–your life isn’t as bad as that person’s, you shouldn’t complain, you should help them.

 

Well, tell that to whatever the hell is going on inside my mind.

CBT Drop-out

I’m a CBT drop-out. Today I walked out. Couldn’t handle it anymore. There’s only so much self-reflection and analysis I can stand. A tear rolled down my cheek and I knew the dam would burst momentarily. I packed up my things. He asked me if I wanted to take five minutes and come back. Five minute. That’s all it takes to unburden a lifetime of tears? I don’t think so. I said sorry, I can’t deal with this. I packed up my stuff and I left. So now I’m guessing CBT isn’t effective if you can’t handle it. I came home, lit a cigarette, poured some wine, and started writing. My own brand of therapy.