Brain | Unlearning the Fear

Source: essentialhealth.com

I haven’t written in a while about how things are going in the world of Depression/Anxiety/CBT. Well, CBT is off the table, I seem to have failed in that respect, or it failed me I’m not quite sure. I couldn’t take it anymore so I stopped. I’m going into individual counselling which I think will be more helpful for me. It seems my depression has overtaken my anxiety and it’s what I need to battle first and foremost. I spend a lot of time thinking about my life and what I’m doing with it and maybe that’s part of the problem. Maybe I need to do more and think less. I don’t know why I feel this way and I hate feeling this way. I go home after work (which I find draining in a killing-my-soul sort of way) and park myself in front of my TV while randomly looking stuff up on the internet. Trying to find something new to do, something meaningful to engage in.

I joined Tai Chi and quit after the first class. It was weird because I really enjoyed the first class, but the second time I went it was far too clique-y for me and I felt like I never wanted to go back again. So I didn’t. This seems to be my current pattern: avoid at all costs anything that makes you feel bad. Well that was a waste of $150. I gave the card to a friend though I’m not sure she’s going to take the classes either.

Even writing this I hate the way I sound. So whiny and obnoxious. My life is so tough, I’m a privileged North American adult yet I can’t seem to find any joy in my privilege or my life. I hate this fight. I blame myself, then wonder if it’s ‘me’ or something outside of my control going on inside my head. Just feels again like this isn’t ‘ME’ whatever this is. I don’t take anything in my life for granted and I know that I’m lucky to be employed, able-bodied, capable, to have different opportunities if I seek them. So then what exactly is my problem? I don’t know.

I volunteer my time toward causes I care about. It’s partly a solution at times–it alleviates some of the guilt and self-hatred associated with feeling so down and complaining despite the knowledge that others out there are suffering too, in different ways, and perhaps they too can’t help themselves. I’m supposed to realize, I guess, that my suffering isn’t as bad, objectively, as that of other people. I guess that’s what I try to tell myself, it’s the old comparison and chastisement–your life isn’t as bad as that person’s, you shouldn’t complain, you should help them.

Well, tell that to whatever the hell is going on inside my mind.