Source: brokeassstuart.com
So, I’ve been back to the world of online dating for a couple of weeks now. On Friday I had my first ‘first date’ in a while. It was brutal. I felt some very vague red flags before meeting this person, but nothing too alarming. He just seemed very interested (almost to the point of desperation) in being in a relationship.
When we met, it quickly became clear that he was insecure, desperate, and just a douchebag, for lack of a better term. I’m going to list all the things that made this night awful. Online dating is a learning process and I’ve learned to trust my instincts. Even the tiniest hint of something not feeling right and I will walk away. Here are some highlights of my night:
- His thinly-veiled homophobia came shining through when he asked if I’ve ever dyed my hair any crazy colours. I said no not really, and asked him the same, to which he replied “what, is this a joke? yeah I dyed my hair blonde and walked down Church street”. Church street is part of the gay village where I happen to live. As soon as I told him where I live he started talking in a high pitched voice and using hand gestures as though imitating a gay male.
- He asked completely inappropriate questions such as: have you ever gone skinny-dipping? Have you ever had sex in public?
- He ranted on and on about the many times women have done him wrong.
- For instance: one woman said she didn’t feel a connection with him and got up and left partway through their first date. At this point it was all starting to become clear to me.
- He is an amateur photographer–he treated me to a delightful slideshow on his phone of all the women in bikinis he’s taken pictures of. Apparently if I’d like I too can be a model for his photographs.
- He kept trying to get me to speak Arabic despite the fact that I told him I haven’t spoken it in years. He talked in Arabic a bit here and there and I understood, but I told him, I am not going to say anything in Arabic–stop trying to force it.
- He told me I should wear grey coloured contacts, they’d look good on me.
- He was proud of never having been drunk in his whole life (at the age of 35) and never smoking anything ever. This in itself isn’t bad, but the way he said it, and the entire ‘pitch’ of him trying to sell himself was completely nauseating.
- He told me multiple times I can add him on Facebook. He said if he sent me a request and I didn’t accept or I blocked him, he could get a warning from Facebook. From the sounds of it, he has gotten numerous warnings from Facebook, something I didn’t even know Facebook did.
- He thought our waitress looked like Naomi Campbell and said this out loud at least ten times throughout the date. He then told her he thought she looked like Naomi Campbell, and was wondering where Naomi went so she could get us the bill.
- We were at an Asian restaurant. He didn’t look at the menu, he just asked the waitress for some nachos. She gave him a look and simply said “this is an Asian restaurant, we have Asian food”
- On our walk towards the subway there was an obese person in front of us. He started making fun of this person, even more so when the man started running to catch the streetcar.
Overall it was a really awful date and I just wanted it to end. This guy was not only desperate, he was insecure, and had a huge chip on his shoulder. The way he described himself and his life, the way he became defensive at certain questions–everything led me to the conclusion that he is an angry, desperate man who likely hates himself and has experienced a great deal of rejection. In fact, he did tell me that usually when he goes on a date it’s a ‘yes’ for him and a ‘no’ for the girl–they don’t want to go on another date with him. Now, you’d think this might be cause for someone to pause and engage in a bit of self-reflection no? Instead he just blames all these ‘awful women out there’.
I think he’s been on the online dating circuit for a bit too long and it has warped his brain and his sense of people and relationships. The first thing he said to me when we met was “you’re five foot three? you said you were five foot three?”. Yes, I was wearing high heels so I was considerably taller.
For me, herein lies one of many problems: he saw me as all check boxes and measuring sticks. Even the way he asked me questions it felt like being interviewed. I could see him assessing my response and ranking me, considering whether or not it worked for him. It didn’t feel like a conversation between two strangers trying to get to know each other to see if they’re compatible. It felt like an insecure jerk interviewing someone then trying to sell himself as a great catch.
This date was pretty bad and it reinforces my need to find an escape plan, a way to get out of the date when I can see it going completely downhill. Nevertheless, it hasn’t soured me on the online dating scene in general. This is one person. I should learn what I can and move on.
I know now that anyone who sounds desperate is a no-go. Any little nagging unsettled feelings must be heard. I will also try to speak to people on the phone before meeting them in person–another layer of screening could be helpful.
Today this guy texted me to wish me a happy thanksgiving. I wished him the same, and let him know that I had a good time (I was trying to be nice) but I didn’t feel a romantic connection. His response? “I warned you not to judge too soon but if that’s what you want. Good luck finding someone better than me ;)”
Well, sometimes it’s just easier when people dig their own graves and leave you no doubt. I don’t have time in my life for assholes and I will never again be in anything that doesn’t feel right. This experience was a very strong reminder that it is far better to be single, than to be with the wrong person.
Unlearning the Fear 