Excerpt

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I lowered my eyes as I walked through sterile halls, past sombre faces. For many this was the worst place they could find themselves–either as a patient, or worse, a family member. For me it was like a second home.  But this time it was different. This time I got dirty looks and snappy remarks. This time there was no sympathy for me, not a hint of it. This time I was treated with contempt not kindness. The nurses performed their duties ceremoniously, barely speaking to me except to scold me for my actions. Well, it was a bit too late for criticism, or advice, whichever it was they thought they were dispensing.

They didn’t know what it felt like. They didn’t have to experience a panic so overwhelming the only solution was to escape it–by any means necessary.

No, instead they saw me as a privileged, selfish child taking up a hospital bed. They saw me as a waste of time. Time that could be better spent serving a sick child, an elderly person, an accident victim, or someone who stubbed their toe, accidentally. Anyone but me, who ‘did this to herself’. 

I wondered if they’d ever heard of the term ‘victim-blaming’. But I dared not open my mouth. Truth is, either way, victim or culprit, I felt deeply ashamed. I just wanted to hide and get away from everyone. I had no explanations, none that they would understand anyway. All I had were two deeply ingrained scars–symbols of my failure.

 

 

Quicksand

Source: meeyauw.blogspot.com

 

My thoughts run away from me

A million times a day.

 

A ruthless seesaw

Sinking further

Into muddy waters.

 

The tides change so quickly,

So violently,

A coin is flipped

The yellows turn to grey

My hope is lost.

 

Anxiety

Source: http://www.kidsgeo.com

 

Anxiety rules over me,

Panic

Grips my heart

My guts

My insides

Makes me weak.

 

I never learned to

Stand by my

Convictions,

Nourish my own

Perspective,

Find solid ground

To stand on

Peacefully.

 

Solitude has followed me,

A shadow that I hide from,

Never calm within

My mind,

Never comfortable

Being

Who I am

Knowing

What I’m not.

 

Simply slipping

Down a slope–

To what end?

Taming my Thoughts

Source: http://www.thelifecloud.net

I feel like I’m slowly learning to tame my thoughts, to question them, to test them, to tease out the truth.

As part of my social anxiety group we were taught to fill out thought records. Basically you write down the situation you’re in, your moods and how strongly you felt them, and then the automatic thoughts you had in your mind at the time. Then you choose the ‘hot thought’–the one that carries the most power and is the most intense. You then write evidence that supports this hot thought, and evidence that counters this hot thought. When you’re done writing down all the evidence, you write a balanced sentence that incorporates the evidence from both sides.

This is a pretty powerful exercise for a number of reasons. First, I’m often not aware of my automatic thoughts, I just feel anxious or depressed or panicked but I’m not sure what exactly I was thinking that led me there. Secondly, the evidence piece is pretty powerful. It’s easy to sometimes think in very concrete and absolute terms when reality might not support your conclusions. For instance, I might think everyone thinks I’m awkward and shy. Well, what’s the evidence? It has to be factual, so it can’t be my perception, it has to be something someone said to me, or something that is not based on my own assumptions or speculations. So, maybe two or three times in the span of my entire life someone told me they think I’m awkward. I then translate that into everyone thinks I’m awkward. The evidence is powerful because it helps you to tease apart your thoughts and fears from what’s actually there.

The idea is not to ignore the negative evidence and pat yourself on the back for the positive–rather, it’s to have a more balanced outlook. So after reviewing the evidence, your final statement might be something like: although a couple of people have told me I’m awkward, I have had a lot of positive feedback from others. Or although in the past I have been in relationships where my trust was betrayed, my current partner has never given me reason to distrust him. Something like that, that captures the evidence and paints a realistic and balanced picture.

The idea is that with time and practice, you won’t need to actually fill out the thought record, instead you’ll just automatically go through this process in your mind. So if I get completely stressed and anxious about something, I can reflect on what I’m thinking, the evidence that supports or contradicts the most intense thought, and then view the situation more realistically, which should lessen my anxiety.

I’m finding this really helpful and I thought I’d share this idea with anyone out there who struggles with feelings that can be overwhelming, overpowering and confusing. I’m still learning how to do this, and I’m sure with time I will get better at it and find it more and more useful. For now though, it’s definitely a great tool to keep in my belt.